The Proper Caring and Feeding of a Newborn

So you’ve decided to bring home a Newborn.

This high-cost, high-maintenance pet has been a favorite among humans for years now.  While most pet owners do their research in the nine months leading up to the actual Newborn coming home, many are surprised to find their Newborn is even more work than they bargained for.  I have compiled this handy guide after weeks of research for you to turn to in times of frustration.  Please keep in mind that all Newborns are unique, despite their similarity in appearance, so what holds true for one owner’s Newborn may not work for you.

Habitat

Before bringing home your Newborn, many guides recommend “baby-proofing” your house.  This is kind of stupid, considering your Newborn will be incapable of moving very far on its own for many months.  On the other hand, you will have about ten minutes a day to yourself when you bring your Newborn home, so if you’re a better pet owner than this author, you will probably “baby-proof” prior to its arrival.

Your Newborn will need somewhere to sleep.  This can be a crib, a bassinet, your bed, the floor, or a shoebox.  The experts recommend a flat, semi-hard sleeping surface without any blankets or toys around to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), so the shoebox might actually be your best bet (Newborns come pretty long, so make sure it’s a large shoebox).  Your Newborn will not mind.  Honestly.

During the day, your Newborn will be in its sleeping place, if you’re lucky.  Otherwise it will be in your arms.  Before bringing your Newborn home, make sure to do lots of arm/shoulder/back days at the gym; you will need it.  If you have an even-tempered Newborn, it may let you put it in a wrap or a carrier during the day, which will save you from going insane and will allow you to do some chores.

You do not need a playroom for your Newborn.  They would lie on their back in the middle of the room and just wriggle.  Trust me on this.

Feeding

Newborns eat a lot.  Like, so much.  You can’t even imagine.  You will have just finished feeding them and they will get hungry again.  Unfortunately, this is not your Newborn being a whiner; their stomachs are tiny and empty very fast.  Into their diapers.  More on this later.  Be prepared to start feeding your Newborn again 2-3 hours after you started feeding them last (and feedings can take about an hour so…you will have no life.  Yay!).

There are several options for feeding your newborn; you can mix and match to your preference.

·         Stick your boob in their mouth (if you are the male in your relationship, let your female do this part).

·         Pump milk from your boobs like a cow and bottle-feed your Newborn (males, see note above for the pumping part, although you can definitely help with the bottle part).

·         Buy breast milk from a human female and bottle-feed your Newborn.

·         Mix cow colostrum and goat milk to bottle-feed your Newborn (one of The Man’s sisters had to do this with her son; the boy can now communicate with animals).

·         Feed your Newborn formula (formulas are actually getting better and better as the years go on, so don’t feel bad at all if this is your only option; your Newborn will survive and will still love you).

·         Hire a wet nurse (I wish).

When feeding your Newborn, make sure you burp them.  Yes, this pet is so high-maintenance it cannot even burp itself effectively.  Burp your pet by slapping it on the back repeatedly.  Seriously.  If you do not burp your Newborn, the gas will build up in its gastrointestinal tract and your Newborn will cry until you work the gas out.  You may also need to fart your Newborn.  Do this by pumping its legs in a running fashion while the Newborn is lying on its back, as well as bending your Newborn in half.  Again, that is not a joke.  Feces may explode from your Newborn’s nether regions when you fart it, so never fart your newborn while it is naked.  In fact, never let your Newborn be completely naked; it will leak on you in any way it can.

Clothing

While clothing other pets is deemed frivolous, many Newborn owners will look down on you if you do not clothe your Newborn.  This may seem unfair, but since your Newborn is relatively hairless it is actually recommended that you cover them in some way. 

Luckily, if you throw a pet-welcoming party (called a “baby shower” in some circles) EVERYBODY will buy clothes for your Newborn.  It seems to be irresistible for female humans of a certain age to buy tiny outfits.  Make sure you ask for outfits of varying sizes as your Newborn will, regrettably, grow.

The one item of clothing that you will DEFINITELY need is diapers.  Whether you go with cloth or disposable, your Newborn will fill diapers at an alarming rate; so make sure you have lots.

Due to the difficulty of engineering a diaper that will not leak in any way at all and your Newborn’s propensity towards puking, you will get stains on your Newborn’s clothing.  The Oxi-Clean gel stain stick is incredible at getting stains out (somebody tell Oxi-Clean I said this so they’ll send me more).

Hygiene

Unfortunately, Newborns are totally helpless.  You will need to bathe your Newborn semi-regularly from the time you take it home until it is about 4 years old (at which time it will finally be able to bathe itself to some degree).  Bathing is suggested because Newborns are often covered in some type of bodily secretion, be it feces, urine, or vomit.  If you decide to bathe your newborn every time you find some type of unsavory goo on it, you will spend more time bathing it than feeding it.  On the plus side, Newborns have sensitive skin and for a while you can get away with only bathing it once a week or so.  This may sound gross now, but after your first sponge-bathing experience you will be grateful.

Newborns also need their diapers changed regularly, sometimes 10 or more times a day.  When changing your Newborn’s diaper, speed is the name of the game.  If you are not fast enough, your Newborn may defecate or urinate on you (the urination is worse when your Newborn is male, as he has a farther reach with his stream).  When your Newborn excretes on you (not if; when) don’t freak out.  This is your new life.  Wash it off and get over it.

Entertainment

With limited vision and that all-around confused feeling, your Newborn will not react to any of your attempts to entertain it for a couple of months.  The best you will get is their eyes tracking your face.  Don’t let this keep you from trying, but just be prepared.

No, the best part of a Newborn is its entertainment for you.  Your newborn will often make hilarious faces, strange squeaking noises, and impressively loud farts.  You will also find great enjoyment from your Newborn’s startle reflex, which involves them throwing their arms out to the side any time they are surprised (even in sleep).

Other sources of entertainment include posing your Newborn, drawing on your Newborn, or scrunching up your Newborn’s chubby cheeks.  These will be all the more hilarious in your sleep-deprived state.

Sleeping

This subject is where you will find the most variation among Newborns.  Some new owners are blessed with pets that will sleep around 18 hours a day, in 3 hour increments.  These owners suck.  Other owners have Newborns that sleep 10 hours a day in 30 minute increments.  And sometimes your Newborn will jump all over the spectrum.

As an owner, you will get even less sleep than your Newborn, seeing as you have more requirements out of your day than being fed by someone, being changed by someone, being burped/farted by someone, being calmed and rocked to sleep by someone, and sleeping.  Prepare yourself for days when you are running on 3 hours of sleep.

If this is your first Newborn, you will have the ability to nap when it naps.  If this is your second, third, or fourth Newborn, you are masochistic.  If this is your fifth or further Newborn, you are probably mentally unstable and need to talk to your doctor.

Crying

Your Newborn has three stages of trying to communicate discomfort to you: quiet and kind of adorable whimpers, crying, and hysterical screaming.  Never let it get past the second stage (although this is terrible advice because it will go past the second stage no matter what you try.  Look up PURPLE crying).

Try your best to soothe your Newborn when it cries.  Some experts recommend turning on the washing machine or vacuuming the house.  These experts are men.  Unfortunately, they are also right.  Go figure.  Newborns also respond well to singing, rocking, walking, driving around in the car (make sure they’re sitting on your lap while driving, as their feet cannot reach the pedals), and chilling in the bathroom with the shower on.  If your Newborn does not respond to any of these soothing techniques, try anything you can think of.  If they’re still not calming down, the circus is always looking for more performers and may appreciate an orphan in a basket.

Don’t be afraid to cry with your Newborn.  You’re tired and you deserve a good cry.

This guide may have scared you off of wanting a Newborn, but just remember: humans have been bringing Newborns into their families for at least 40,000 years.  There must be SOMETHING worthwhile about them.  Good luck!