But Practicing Is Hard!

The Man once had a coworker who asked me the question "if you could do anything - including the stuff you're not talented enough to do right now - what would you want to do with your life?"

I told him I wanted to be a writer, and I meant it.

Writing letters, e-mails, and Facebook updates comes easy to me; it's just the beautiful stuff that is hard.  Every time I try to write something thought-provoking, it comes off as pretentious.  Not even a good pretentious; my words are vapid and fall flat.  I keep thinking that I have these great ideas for stories and then when I try to put the words down it's just...Twilight-esque.  Hard to create a novel on the grey lines of war when the only dialogue you can come up with could have been written by a twelve-year-old.

Or there are those moments of utter clarity when the words seem to flow from my fingertips so beautifully and I write for an hour or so (usually these moments happen when I'm sleep-deprived).  I get so excited about the world I'm creating, and then when I get a few hours of sleep in me I re-read my masterpiece and realize how ridiculous it is.  It's quite...well, I was going to say infuriating but that's not really it.  It's depressing.  I feel this gigantic urge to create, but I don't have the ability.

Then it hit me today; I don't practice writing.  I dabble, but I don't practice.  Barring select individuals, I'm pretty sure all greatness comes with the price of time, humiliation, and frustration until you get that stinking thing right.  I see great writers, great musicians, great artists, and I automatically assume that they just "have it;" I don't know why it never occurred to me that they "have it" due to a shed-load of work put in (heard that on Doctor Who today; decided to start using it.  Not so sure on "squeaky bum time" yet).

So, here's my plan: I'm going to write something every day.  Maybe a short story, maybe a poem, maybe a chapter of a greater plot, but I'm going to be writing.  I'll leave a sample now and maybe put a new one down monthly so I can track my progress.  The following story was from a sleep-deprived moment.

I walked solemnly down the dirt path.  It was dusk; dinner time.  My hand tightly clenched the wooden handle as I tried to push my feelings of guilt aside.  We needed to eat.  There was no other option.

The gate creaked open, causing sparrows in a nearby orchard to take flight.

As I entered the enclosure I could hear it; the sound of tens of quickened hearts thumping softly.  I knelt down and wrapped my hand around one's neck.  "I'm sorry.  I really am."  Its pulse beat faster and faster as I sunk my trowel in the soft earth beside it, pushed down, and lifted the carrot from its ground.  An arrhythmic drumbeat filled my ears, then faded into silence.

The worst part of death isn't the screaming; it's feeling something's heart die in your hands and knowing that you caused it.

*Prompt taken from a student's question: Do plants have hearts?  They don't, but if they did vegetarians would still be safe - yay Soylent!

My Two Cents on Amy Glass

So everyone's all upset over Amy Glass's recent article.

I have friends violently for it and friends violently against it; I'd like to be the person in the middle.

Yup, she hated on mommy bloggers and people that get married young.  Yup, she said some hurtful things.  And...dare I say it...She made some valid points.

We definitely do have a bias when it comes to congratulations and celebrations.  When someone gets married we jump up and down in joy with them, we go to their bridal shower, bachelorette party, wedding, and reception, and we throw gifts their way almost every time.  When someone gets a new job they're really excited about or a promotion that they've been waiting on for years we smile at them, maybe go out for a celebratory dinner, and then forget about it.

I realize that comparing marriage to a job promotion may seem like comparing sprouts to actual food, but here's the plain truth:

Not every woman WANTS to be a mother.  Not every woman WANTS to get married.  Some women truly, honestly, cross-their-hearts-and-hope-to-die LOVE their careers and feel very fulfilled with their choices in life.  And why shouldn't they?  We are individuals.  We are unique.  We have different desires and life goals.  And sometimes we're stupid and we look down on other people for not having the same life goals.  Amy did it to mommies and mommies did it to Amy.  Not cool on either front, but there you have it.

Maybe we should take a different approach.  Maybe instead of hating Ms. Glass for being a career-driven woman, we could put ourselves in her shoes.  How many of you congratulate your female friends with successful jobs?  How many of you tell single women things like, "oh, I can't wait until you have a boyfriend so we can double-date!"  Can you imagine how much that sucks?  I know for a fact that I'm guilty of being a biased congratulator (not a real word, but roll with it).  I'll briefly congratulate friends on promotions or new jobs, but for someone whose big life goal is to be a successful businesswoman to be constantly ignored in favor of puking babies and sickly-sweet engagement photos...It must be terrible.  I totally understand why she would lash out like that.

We need to recognize that it's okay for people to have different goals, and we need to be excited for what they achieve instead of what we think they should be achieving.  I have some amazing friends who are stellar at academia and in the workforce, and I never tell them how impressive they are to me.  I'm kind of grateful to Ms. Glass for reminding me to do so.

A Teacher's Thoughts on Common Core

I teach the Common Core.  I technically teach to the test (but I try to throw some more substance on that core).  No, it's not the best solution, and no, I'm not the biggest fan of national testing, but you know what?  I've decided that at this moment in my life I'm going to push my dislike out of my head.

Yes, I know, the worst things happen when good people do nothing (or whatever that saying is), but here's the thing: the more I hate on common core, the more the hate becomes ingrained in my head.  The more the hate becomes ingrained in my head, the more likely it is to come out when I'm talking to my students.  The more it comes out when I talk to my students, the more likely they will be to decide that school is a waste of time because of stupid legislation and just stop trying.  And I don't want that to happen.

Common Core DOES have good sides.  It can be very helpful for first-time teachers who have no idea what curricula they should be teaching for their classes.  It states very clearly what is expected, what vocab words you should use, when you can stop for testing, and all that jazz.  As a first-time teacher I can attest to the fact that we need all the help we can get.  I flounder sometimes even WITH the common core; I can't imagine what I would be like if I had no skeletal structure to go off of.

I can't attest for the other subjects, but I know that in science, at least, your students are learning a lot of good things.  Common Core asks students to explain answers deeper, defend their arguments, analyze charts and graphs, and search for reliable sources.  It covers everything that I remember learning in high school courses when Common Core was just a pipe dream.

Maybe you're better than me.  Maybe you can fight Common Core in your local government and then turn around to your kid and say that school is awesome and they should keep working hard and trying.  If you're not better than me though...what they hear you say affects them.  Most adolescent opinions are formed from listening to their parents.  If you think they're learning nothing in school THEY will think they're learning nothing in school and they'll tune off.  If you think their math is far too difficult THEY will think their math is too difficult and they'll give up and zone out.  This makes it all the more difficult for teachers like me who are trying our darnest to get students excited about learning.  

So yeah, I'll nod my head in agreement when you start railing on the national standards, but I'd rather not talk about it at all.  I'd rather try my best to be a good teacher, and there is SO much more to being a teacher than knowing your content.

MOAR!!!!

I am a bone fide certified adult, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Growing up I always had this sure plan of what I was going to be: a vet, a firefighter, a massage therapist, a zookeeper, et cetera.  At those times in my life I was 100% sure of my path in life; what I would be doing and how I would get there.  What I wouldn't give to have that clarity now.

See, I followed that path.  I did the college thing and the student teaching thing and I even skipped the difficult public schools and got a job right in a charter school like I wanted (technically still a public school).  I love 2/3 of the subjects I'm teaching, and the third is sometimes fun.  I got married, have an apartment, own a cat that lives in a different state...My path has led down a dang sunny trail.

I'm not sure if it's a trait all humans have or if I'm just a little too wanderlusty, but just like Ariel, I want more.  I get bored when I fall into routines and patterns.  Problem is, I'm not all that sure what "more" is.

Sometimes "more" is a change in scenery.  I have moved...over 10 times in my life (not counting moving back home over school breaks).  I liked moving.  Then again, that was back when I could fit all my belongings in the back of a small sedan.  It's a bit harder to pack up a two-bedroom apartment into a car.  It wasn't even just moving though; I've been known to get bored and arrange spontaneous road trips just to get out of town for a while.  I like exploring - maybe I could pick that up again.  

Sometimes "more" is a new look.  A new haircut, a new jacket, a new outfit; something to make me feel like I've evolved a bit in my style.  As great as it is being dependable and having one personality, I like feeling a little more [professional, punk, stylish, attractive] every once in a while.

Sometimes "more" is new knowledge.  I LOVE reading, and the internet sucks me in so easily when I try to catch up on what's going on in the world around me.  I miss going to classes.  Not being in school, but going to classes and learning something new every single day.  It was awesome.

Sometimes "more" is hobbies.  I dabble in exercising and cooking, and I recently decided to start flexing my musical muscles again.  We'll see how that goes.  Hobbies make me feel special, they give me goals, and they give me confidence in my abilities.  I just need to use them more...

"More" for me is just...change.  My own evolution in the quest to find fulfillment.

I'm not sure I'll ever be satisfied, and I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.  I still find joy in life.  I'm still grateful for the blessings I have.  I just know I can do and be more.

What do you think?  Is it bad to always want more?