Isn't it funny how you can be supremely happy with life, and at the same time depressed? Well, maybe you can't, but my hormones are just impressive that way. That's how I've been for the last year and a half.
I AM happy with life. I got my dream job, which also happened to be the first job I interviewed with. I live in a rather roomy apartment. I can sleep in on Saturdays. I'm married to my best friend, who is just killing it at school and work. My family is happy and healthy and some of them are even nearby. We have a reliable car. We have enough money to buy groceries. We even have enough money now to do things we're interested in, like buying furniture, going out to eat, and having a Netflix account.
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| We totally have enough money to buy frivolous things like this chicken. We just don't have the class. |
And yet I still have times where I shut down and can't seem to feel happy about where we're at. Stupid Maslow and your hierarchy of needs.
If you're a regular you know that The Man and I tried to get pregnant for a year straight a while ago. My body wouldn't cooperate. It wouldn't even have a period for seven straight months of that time. It got to the point where once a month I was buying a test and once a month I was becoming super depressed, and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I went to a couple doctors to figure out why my body was acting so weird and all they had for me was, "hm. Well, you're healthy, you're young, your hormone levels are great, and you're not stressed out about anything. By all accounts you should be having a period. Weird. Oh well. Now please pay us."
| Hey there, Spotalotamus! Have a terrible day! |
So now we're at the part where I'm on birth control, we're not trying to have a baby, and I STILL get depressed once a month and think about babies constantly. We're not trying for a couple reasons.
1. I am kind of scared that I'm sterile, and if we don't try then I won't have to face that.
2. The Man is still in school, and he is super stressed about it all the time; I don't want to add to that stress.
3. I have a full-time job that I actually enjoy, and it brings in a decent paycheck for a family of two. I'd have to quit if I had a newborn.
And even though I keep coming back to those logistically-sound, totally reasonable answers, I still want a baby. Beyond any logic, beyond any reasoning, beyond any soundness of mind.
If I could just not want to want a baby, that would be great.
I'm sorry that it sucks.
ReplyDeleteOh Megan, this post made me so sad. I keep thinking of the comments I want to say, but then I decide it's either too sad, too insensitive, or just weird. But here's what I have to say (just know that I've been thinking about this all day. because I'm weird.)
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to want something, even if it's not logical. Honestly, if people waited to have kids until the ideal moment, no one would ever have kids. If that had been the case, we definitely wouldn't have Jack, and I can't imagine what life would be like without him; even though it has been so trying to have Jack when we did, I never would have known so much joy otherwise -- in many ways, he's given me the motivation to do things and work even harder. The fact that you have that desire to have a child is good -- it means your priorities are in the right place. Whenever you feel you should try and have a baby again, I say go for it. There will never be a perfect time or moment -- but I promise, whenever you decide to try and have a baby, you won't regret it. It's stressful, and hard, and heartbreaking...but I've never experienced something as wonderful as being a mother, and I'd never change a thing. I can only imagine how hard it was during that year of trying, and I hope that the next time around, it will be easier. I've had several family members experience infertility, so even though I've never personally experienced, I know it can be hard. (speaking of, I have three bottles of this stuff called Yiva Naturals. It's supposed to help with fertility and menstural stuff...I don't need it -- if you want it :) Love you.