So you’ve decided to bring home a Newborn.
This high-cost, high-maintenance pet has been a favorite
among humans for years now. While most
pet owners do their research in the nine months leading up to the actual
Newborn coming home, many are surprised to find their Newborn is even more work
than they bargained for. I have compiled
this handy guide after weeks of research for you to turn to in times of
frustration. Please keep in mind that
all Newborns are unique, despite their similarity in appearance, so what holds
true for one owner’s Newborn may not work for you.
Habitat
Before bringing home your Newborn, many guides recommend
“baby-proofing” your house. This is kind
of stupid, considering your Newborn will be incapable of moving very far on its
own for many months. On the other hand,
you will have about ten minutes a day to yourself when you bring your Newborn
home, so if you’re a better pet owner than this author, you will probably
“baby-proof” prior to its arrival.
Your Newborn will need somewhere to sleep. This can be a crib, a bassinet, your bed, the
floor, or a shoebox. The experts
recommend a flat, semi-hard sleeping surface without any blankets or toys
around to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), so the shoebox might
actually be your best bet (Newborns come pretty long, so make sure it’s a large
shoebox). Your Newborn will not
mind. Honestly.
During the day, your Newborn will be in its sleeping place,
if you’re lucky. Otherwise it will be in
your arms. Before bringing your Newborn
home, make sure to do lots of arm/shoulder/back days at the gym; you will need
it. If you have an even-tempered
Newborn, it may let you put it in a wrap or a carrier during the day, which
will save you from going insane and will allow you to do some chores.
You do not need a playroom for your Newborn. They would lie on their back in the middle of
the room and just wriggle. Trust me on
this.
Feeding
Newborns eat a lot.
Like, so much. You can’t even
imagine. You will have just finished
feeding them and they will get hungry again.
Unfortunately, this is not your Newborn being a whiner; their stomachs
are tiny and empty very fast. Into their
diapers. More on this later. Be prepared to start feeding your Newborn
again 2-3 hours after you started feeding them last (and feedings can take
about an hour so…you will have no life.
Yay!).
There are several options for feeding your newborn; you can
mix and match to your preference.
·
Stick your boob in their mouth (if you are the
male in your relationship, let your female do this part).
·
Pump milk from your boobs like a cow and
bottle-feed your Newborn (males, see note above for the pumping part, although
you can definitely help with the bottle part).
·
Buy breast milk from a human female and
bottle-feed your Newborn.
·
Mix cow colostrum and goat milk to bottle-feed
your Newborn (one of The Man’s sisters had to do this with her son; the boy can
now communicate with animals).
·
Feed your Newborn formula (formulas are actually
getting better and better as the years go on, so don’t feel bad at all if this
is your only option; your Newborn will survive and will still love you).
·
Hire a wet nurse (I wish).
When feeding your Newborn, make sure you burp them. Yes, this pet is so high-maintenance it
cannot even burp itself effectively.
Burp your pet by slapping it on the back repeatedly. Seriously.
If you do not burp your Newborn, the gas will build up in its
gastrointestinal tract and your Newborn will cry until you work the gas
out. You may also need to fart your
Newborn. Do this by pumping its legs in
a running fashion while the Newborn is lying on its back, as well as bending
your Newborn in half. Again, that is not
a joke. Feces may explode from your
Newborn’s nether regions when you fart it, so never fart your newborn while it
is naked. In fact, never let your
Newborn be completely naked; it will leak on you in any way it can.
Clothing
While clothing other pets is deemed frivolous, many Newborn
owners will look down on you if you do not clothe your Newborn. This may seem unfair, but since your Newborn
is relatively hairless it is actually recommended that you cover them in some
way.
Luckily, if you throw a pet-welcoming party (called a “baby
shower” in some circles) EVERYBODY will buy clothes for your Newborn. It seems to be irresistible for female humans
of a certain age to buy tiny outfits.
Make sure you ask for outfits of varying sizes as your Newborn will,
regrettably, grow.
The one item of clothing that you will DEFINITELY need is
diapers. Whether you go with cloth or
disposable, your Newborn will fill diapers at an alarming rate; so make sure
you have lots.
Due to the difficulty of engineering a diaper that will not
leak in any way at all and your Newborn’s propensity towards puking, you will
get stains on your Newborn’s clothing.
The Oxi-Clean gel stain stick is incredible at getting stains out
(somebody tell Oxi-Clean I said this so they’ll send me more).
Hygiene
Unfortunately, Newborns are totally helpless. You will need to bathe your Newborn
semi-regularly from the time you take it home until it is about 4 years old (at
which time it will finally be able to bathe itself to some degree). Bathing is suggested because Newborns are
often covered in some type of bodily secretion, be it feces, urine, or
vomit. If you decide to bathe your
newborn every time you find some type of unsavory goo on it, you will spend
more time bathing it than feeding it. On
the plus side, Newborns have sensitive skin and for a while you can get away
with only bathing it once a week or so.
This may sound gross now, but after your first sponge-bathing experience
you will be grateful.
Newborns also need their diapers changed regularly,
sometimes 10 or more times a day. When
changing your Newborn’s diaper, speed is the name of the game. If you are not fast enough, your Newborn may
defecate or urinate on you (the urination is worse when your Newborn is male,
as he has a farther reach with his stream).
When your Newborn excretes on you (not if; when) don’t freak out. This is your new life. Wash it off and get over it.
Entertainment
With limited vision and that all-around confused feeling,
your Newborn will not react to any of your attempts to entertain it for a
couple of months. The best you will get
is their eyes tracking your face. Don’t
let this keep you from trying, but just be prepared.
No, the best part of a Newborn is its entertainment for
you. Your newborn will often make
hilarious faces, strange squeaking noises, and impressively loud farts. You will also find great enjoyment from your
Newborn’s startle reflex, which involves them throwing their arms out to the
side any time they are surprised (even in sleep).
Other sources of entertainment include posing your Newborn,
drawing on your Newborn, or scrunching up your Newborn’s chubby cheeks. These will be all the more hilarious in your
sleep-deprived state.
Sleeping
This subject is where you will find the most variation among
Newborns. Some new owners are blessed
with pets that will sleep around 18 hours a day, in 3 hour increments. These owners suck. Other owners have Newborns that sleep 10
hours a day in 30 minute increments. And
sometimes your Newborn will jump all over the spectrum.
As an owner, you will get even less sleep than your Newborn,
seeing as you have more requirements out of your day than being fed by someone,
being changed by someone, being burped/farted by someone, being calmed and
rocked to sleep by someone, and sleeping.
Prepare yourself for days when you are running on 3 hours of sleep.
If this is your first Newborn, you will have the ability to
nap when it naps. If this is your
second, third, or fourth Newborn, you are masochistic. If this is your fifth or further Newborn, you
are probably mentally unstable and need to talk to your doctor.
Crying
Your Newborn has three stages of trying to communicate
discomfort to you: quiet and kind of adorable whimpers, crying, and hysterical
screaming. Never let it get past the
second stage (although this is terrible advice because it will go past the
second stage no matter what you try.
Look up PURPLE crying).
Try your best to soothe your Newborn when it cries. Some experts recommend turning on the washing
machine or vacuuming the house. These
experts are men. Unfortunately, they are
also right. Go figure. Newborns also respond well to singing,
rocking, walking, driving around in the car (make sure they’re sitting on your
lap while driving, as their feet cannot reach the pedals), and chilling in the
bathroom with the shower on. If your
Newborn does not respond to any of these soothing techniques, try anything you
can think of. If they’re still not
calming down, the circus is always looking for more performers and may
appreciate an orphan in a basket.
Don’t be afraid to cry with your Newborn. You’re tired and you deserve a good cry.
This guide may have scared you off of wanting a Newborn, but
just remember: humans have been bringing Newborns into their families for at
least 40,000 years. There must be
SOMETHING worthwhile about them. Good
luck!
I love you. You are freakin' amazing and hilarious!
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