The Mating Season – P.G. Wodehouse

Do you remember back in the day when the internet was shiny and new and “Ask Jeeves” was the search engine of choice?  The image next to the search bar was a nicely-dressed, well-groomed butler.  Did you ever wonder where Jeeves got off being such a know-it-all?

Wonder no more!

I was first introduced to Wodehouse’s work through my little sister, albeit in an indirect manner.  In his younger days Hugh Laurie did a television show called “Jeeves and Wooster.”  And it is wonderful.  The show is based around 1925 or so and focuses on one of the ‘idle rich’ – Wooster – and his manservant Jeeves.  Wooster is a bit of an ass (his words, not mine), and Jeeves is a wealth of knowledge who often uses Wooster as a pawn to accomplish certain things.  If you are good at deciphering strong and fast British accents, this is the show for you.  In fact, try it out right now!  If you hover over the picture it can take you to Amazon's website, where you can watch it online!  

The first few minutes are kinda meh, but stick it out; totally worth it!

So the covers of the DVDs all say that the series is based off a series of books by P.G. Wodehouse, and as a bibliophile I decided that I needed to get my hands on some of those books.

The first book I read was called The Mating Season.  Not only is the plot delightfully farcical, but the characters are well-done, the vocabulary is stimulating, and the voice of Wooster (the narrator) is ridiculously fun.

For example:

“I say ‘the ghost of Jeeves’ because in that first awful moment that was what I had the apparition docketed as.  The words ‘What ho!  A spectre!’ trembled on my lips, and I reacted rather like the heroine of Murder At Greystone Grange on discovering that the Thing had come to doss in her room.  I don’t know if you have ever seen a ghost, but the general effect is to give you quite a start.

“Then the scent of bacon floated to the nostrils, and feeling that it was improbable that a wraith would be horsing about the place with dishes of eggs and b., I calmed down a bit.  That is to say, I stopped upsetting the tea and was able to mutter.  It is true that all I said was ‘Jeeves!’ but that wasn’t such bad going for one whose tongue had so recently been tangled up with the uvula, besides cleaving to the roof of the mouth.”

In this particular story, Wooster is asked by his aunt to stay with a family in the country.  His frenemy Gussie is supposed to go as well (ordered by Gussie’s fiancée), but is jailed at the last minute.  To save Gussie’s good name Wooster goes to the house pretending to be Gussie.  Then the real Gussie shows up and has to pretend to be Wooster.  In the middle you have about four pairs of star-crossed lovers all mixed up in each other, a hunting song, the “coshing” of a policeman, dog-snatching, movie stars, and much else.  And you can get it in paperback form from Amazon super cheap! 

Hover and click.  Hover and click.

In this case I really don’t know if the book is better than the television series.  On one hand, the book can go more in depth and you get even more Wooster (my favorite part), but Hugh Laurie does such an awesome job of capturing Wooster’s voice and Stephen Fry is the best Jeeves ever.  My advice?  Partake of both.  You will not regret it.

“Every Damn Time!” – Michael Bluth

I was going to write a post about my weird obsession with dream interpretation, but that will have to wait for another day because I did something marvelously stupid today and it warrants a post.

My hair is super long right now; I think longer than it’s ever been.  And let me tell you, long hair is a hassle.  It gets stuck in seatbelts and car doors, is found everywhere around the house (shower drain, carpet, ‘Geddon’s hands, ‘Geddon’s binkie, food, socks, et cetera ad nauseam), and causes me slight whiplash when I’m cuddling with The Man and go to sit up without realizing his arm is resting on top of my hair.  Plus it gets knots in it quicker than a sailor’s necktie and takes eons to style.  I had to wake up two hours early one Sunday because I wanted to curl my hair for church.  So of course, I’m ready for a change.

Now, the tense in that last paragraph was a little off; mainly so I could create some lead-up to this story.  See, I cut my hair off today.

I’ve been wanting to take off a few inches for a while now, and my bangs were much longer than I like them.  Now, my awesome sister-in-law who lives mere minutes away is a cosmetologist and has never given me a bad haircut, but she’s at a busy time in her life right now and I didn’t want to hassle her.  Plus, it always looks so easy when you read the tutorials online.  So I trucked Stormageddon off to Sally’s (a beauty supply store), bought some scissors and a mirror so I could see the back of my head, and hurried home.  I decided I would document the entire experience with pictures so I could show you all how incredible I am at following directions. 

Ready for my anti-tutorial/how-to-not instructions?

Get you some scissors, fool.  I bought two kinds – one for creating nice layers (one side is toothy) and one for straight-up cutting.  I had to use scissors to get the scissors out of their packaging, which I thought was kind of funny.  Does it work that way with office scissors too?  I threw “Geddon in the background to make this picture more interesting.

Make sure yous chilluns is entertained.  I tried a mirror, and that didn’t work.  So I put him next to me in the bathroom with his jumper and that kinda worked for a while…but mostly he was just angry with me until I threw food at him.

 Admire yo’ long hairs.  It’s going to be a while until you see them again.  Well, I guess you’ll see them in the trash can, but that’s just kind of depressing.

Bangity Bangs.  I used this tutorial to cut my bangs, but I wanted to make mine a little bit shorter than what she had, so I ignored the “cut a tiny bit at a time” rule.  Stupid, stupid me…

Cut those ends off.  I kinda followed haircut #3 from this site.  And it turned out okay, but didn’t really look like I’d done much other than butcher my bangs.  Stormageddon thought it was hilarious when I had my ponytail in front of my face.

Become a total moron and come up with your own “clever” way of getting some layers in there.  Here’s where it all really fell apart.  I thought, “hey!  I want ‘a little boost in the back’ like haircut #2 boasts, but I want to keep my length.  Maybe I should try it with just a section of my hair!”  I honestly thought this was going to turn out awesome, you guys.  I felt so smart.  I even came up with the ingenious idea of double-banding the hair so I would still know where to cut even if my fingers slipped.  It did not turn out well.  Maybe if I had used tiny amounts of hair at a time instead of half of my head…oh well.

Freak out and cut off the rest of your hair to match.  My sanity was long-gone by now.  You can see it in my “crazy eyes.”

Cry and sweep up your luscious locks from the floor.

Wash and dry your hair to see if that makes it look any better.

Hide it in a tiny ponytail.  I’ve always been curious about how I would look as a boy.  Now I know.  Insane.

And now I’ve got an appointment with my sister-in-law anyway to have her fix my hair, so I didn’t help anyone with my solution.  The funny thing is, I’ve done this before.  And EVERY SINGLE TIME it turns out bad.  I guess I got a little cocky because I’ve been buzzing The Man’s head for him the past few months and it usually looks pretty good.  I just figured wielding scissors would be exactly like buzzing a head a uniform length.  Because that’s how my brain works apparently.

Moral of the story?  Don’t cut your own hair.  Ever.  And marry someone with a sibling who graduated in cosmetology.

The Proper Caring and Feeding of a Newborn

So you’ve decided to bring home a Newborn.

This high-cost, high-maintenance pet has been a favorite among humans for years now.  While most pet owners do their research in the nine months leading up to the actual Newborn coming home, many are surprised to find their Newborn is even more work than they bargained for.  I have compiled this handy guide after weeks of research for you to turn to in times of frustration.  Please keep in mind that all Newborns are unique, despite their similarity in appearance, so what holds true for one owner’s Newborn may not work for you.

Habitat

Before bringing home your Newborn, many guides recommend “baby-proofing” your house.  This is kind of stupid, considering your Newborn will be incapable of moving very far on its own for many months.  On the other hand, you will have about ten minutes a day to yourself when you bring your Newborn home, so if you’re a better pet owner than this author, you will probably “baby-proof” prior to its arrival.

Your Newborn will need somewhere to sleep.  This can be a crib, a bassinet, your bed, the floor, or a shoebox.  The experts recommend a flat, semi-hard sleeping surface without any blankets or toys around to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), so the shoebox might actually be your best bet (Newborns come pretty long, so make sure it’s a large shoebox).  Your Newborn will not mind.  Honestly.

During the day, your Newborn will be in its sleeping place, if you’re lucky.  Otherwise it will be in your arms.  Before bringing your Newborn home, make sure to do lots of arm/shoulder/back days at the gym; you will need it.  If you have an even-tempered Newborn, it may let you put it in a wrap or a carrier during the day, which will save you from going insane and will allow you to do some chores.

You do not need a playroom for your Newborn.  They would lie on their back in the middle of the room and just wriggle.  Trust me on this.

Feeding

Newborns eat a lot.  Like, so much.  You can’t even imagine.  You will have just finished feeding them and they will get hungry again.  Unfortunately, this is not your Newborn being a whiner; their stomachs are tiny and empty very fast.  Into their diapers.  More on this later.  Be prepared to start feeding your Newborn again 2-3 hours after you started feeding them last (and feedings can take about an hour so…you will have no life.  Yay!).

There are several options for feeding your newborn; you can mix and match to your preference.

·         Stick your boob in their mouth (if you are the male in your relationship, let your female do this part).

·         Pump milk from your boobs like a cow and bottle-feed your Newborn (males, see note above for the pumping part, although you can definitely help with the bottle part).

·         Buy breast milk from a human female and bottle-feed your Newborn.

·         Mix cow colostrum and goat milk to bottle-feed your Newborn (one of The Man’s sisters had to do this with her son; the boy can now communicate with animals).

·         Feed your Newborn formula (formulas are actually getting better and better as the years go on, so don’t feel bad at all if this is your only option; your Newborn will survive and will still love you).

·         Hire a wet nurse (I wish).

When feeding your Newborn, make sure you burp them.  Yes, this pet is so high-maintenance it cannot even burp itself effectively.  Burp your pet by slapping it on the back repeatedly.  Seriously.  If you do not burp your Newborn, the gas will build up in its gastrointestinal tract and your Newborn will cry until you work the gas out.  You may also need to fart your Newborn.  Do this by pumping its legs in a running fashion while the Newborn is lying on its back, as well as bending your Newborn in half.  Again, that is not a joke.  Feces may explode from your Newborn’s nether regions when you fart it, so never fart your newborn while it is naked.  In fact, never let your Newborn be completely naked; it will leak on you in any way it can.

Clothing

While clothing other pets is deemed frivolous, many Newborn owners will look down on you if you do not clothe your Newborn.  This may seem unfair, but since your Newborn is relatively hairless it is actually recommended that you cover them in some way. 

Luckily, if you throw a pet-welcoming party (called a “baby shower” in some circles) EVERYBODY will buy clothes for your Newborn.  It seems to be irresistible for female humans of a certain age to buy tiny outfits.  Make sure you ask for outfits of varying sizes as your Newborn will, regrettably, grow.

The one item of clothing that you will DEFINITELY need is diapers.  Whether you go with cloth or disposable, your Newborn will fill diapers at an alarming rate; so make sure you have lots.

Due to the difficulty of engineering a diaper that will not leak in any way at all and your Newborn’s propensity towards puking, you will get stains on your Newborn’s clothing.  The Oxi-Clean gel stain stick is incredible at getting stains out (somebody tell Oxi-Clean I said this so they’ll send me more).

Hygiene

Unfortunately, Newborns are totally helpless.  You will need to bathe your Newborn semi-regularly from the time you take it home until it is about 4 years old (at which time it will finally be able to bathe itself to some degree).  Bathing is suggested because Newborns are often covered in some type of bodily secretion, be it feces, urine, or vomit.  If you decide to bathe your newborn every time you find some type of unsavory goo on it, you will spend more time bathing it than feeding it.  On the plus side, Newborns have sensitive skin and for a while you can get away with only bathing it once a week or so.  This may sound gross now, but after your first sponge-bathing experience you will be grateful.

Newborns also need their diapers changed regularly, sometimes 10 or more times a day.  When changing your Newborn’s diaper, speed is the name of the game.  If you are not fast enough, your Newborn may defecate or urinate on you (the urination is worse when your Newborn is male, as he has a farther reach with his stream).  When your Newborn excretes on you (not if; when) don’t freak out.  This is your new life.  Wash it off and get over it.

Entertainment

With limited vision and that all-around confused feeling, your Newborn will not react to any of your attempts to entertain it for a couple of months.  The best you will get is their eyes tracking your face.  Don’t let this keep you from trying, but just be prepared.

No, the best part of a Newborn is its entertainment for you.  Your newborn will often make hilarious faces, strange squeaking noises, and impressively loud farts.  You will also find great enjoyment from your Newborn’s startle reflex, which involves them throwing their arms out to the side any time they are surprised (even in sleep).

Other sources of entertainment include posing your Newborn, drawing on your Newborn, or scrunching up your Newborn’s chubby cheeks.  These will be all the more hilarious in your sleep-deprived state.

Sleeping

This subject is where you will find the most variation among Newborns.  Some new owners are blessed with pets that will sleep around 18 hours a day, in 3 hour increments.  These owners suck.  Other owners have Newborns that sleep 10 hours a day in 30 minute increments.  And sometimes your Newborn will jump all over the spectrum.

As an owner, you will get even less sleep than your Newborn, seeing as you have more requirements out of your day than being fed by someone, being changed by someone, being burped/farted by someone, being calmed and rocked to sleep by someone, and sleeping.  Prepare yourself for days when you are running on 3 hours of sleep.

If this is your first Newborn, you will have the ability to nap when it naps.  If this is your second, third, or fourth Newborn, you are masochistic.  If this is your fifth or further Newborn, you are probably mentally unstable and need to talk to your doctor.

Crying

Your Newborn has three stages of trying to communicate discomfort to you: quiet and kind of adorable whimpers, crying, and hysterical screaming.  Never let it get past the second stage (although this is terrible advice because it will go past the second stage no matter what you try.  Look up PURPLE crying).

Try your best to soothe your Newborn when it cries.  Some experts recommend turning on the washing machine or vacuuming the house.  These experts are men.  Unfortunately, they are also right.  Go figure.  Newborns also respond well to singing, rocking, walking, driving around in the car (make sure they’re sitting on your lap while driving, as their feet cannot reach the pedals), and chilling in the bathroom with the shower on.  If your Newborn does not respond to any of these soothing techniques, try anything you can think of.  If they’re still not calming down, the circus is always looking for more performers and may appreciate an orphan in a basket.

Don’t be afraid to cry with your Newborn.  You’re tired and you deserve a good cry.

This guide may have scared you off of wanting a Newborn, but just remember: humans have been bringing Newborns into their families for at least 40,000 years.  There must be SOMETHING worthwhile about them.  Good luck!

Ugly Babies and Heartless Robots

You know what's a scary thought?  Having an ugly child.  I mean, sure, they'll have to grow a better personality because of it and looks aren't SUPPOSED to matter, but let's be honest: looks matter.  And, since I am well-versed in Genetics, I decided to find out if The Man and I would have an ugly baby in the most scientific way possible: one of those face-morph websites.  Stormageddon will 100% without a doubt look like this:

Sadly, those beautiful lips come from his dad, not me.

So that's not too bad.  Our child will at least have a more symmetrical face than his mother (thanks, Hubby!).  I'm going to stick with this website's interpretation of our children instead of the interpretation I made with paint a couple years back:

So scarring...

I really shouldn't care so much about how Stormageddon is going to look though.  Right now I guess I'm just trying to find ways to get myself excited about having a baby.

Weird, right?  I mean, I try to get pregnant for a year, I purposefully take myself off birth control, and then once I get what I wanted I'm just...meh.  This article actually explains how I'm feeling pretty well: http://pregnantfeminist.wordpress.com/2012/02/16/thirteen-weeks-on-being-a-heartless-robot/

I'm so grateful that I was able to get pregnant.  I am relieved beyond belief that I've made it this far without a miscarriage.  I REALLY want to have a child with The Man, but that's the thing: I want a child, not a baby.

I've never really been that into human babies.  Growing up I was more excited about getting stuffed animals and taking care of them than I was about baby dolls.  And it wasn't due to lack of exposure; remember, I come from a family of nine kids.  There was always a baby in the house.  I've changed diapers, helped with bathtime, dressed babies in their annoying onesies, watched them learn to walk and crawl...I just wasn't all that impressed.  

I mean, for the first couple months they can't really interact with you besides crying when they need something.  After that they start to get squirmy, but once you put them down they start crying.  After that comes teething.  After that comes throwing and hitting.  Plus most babies take about 6 months before they even start looking cute.

Baby brother at 4 months (left), and holding his nephew earlier this year (right).
Took him a bit, but he got cute.

There have been a few moments that I've gotten excited about having an infant.  One was when I remembered what it was like cuddling with my youngest brother (seen above).  I used to come home from school and Mum would hand him off and I'd go sit on the couch with him.  He always fell right asleep (thanks, boobs!).  So snuggling is a good thing to dwell on.  The other moment came VERY briefly when my coworkers gave me a present: some baby pajamas and a pack of newborn diapers.  For a moment I imagined a tiny little baby in a tiny little diaper and the mothering instinct way down deep inside of me gave a little squee...then it was gone.  And...that's about it.  I'm not one to get overly excited about tiny baby clothes or diaper bags or strollers (those rocking chairs though?  Heck yeah!), so I haven't really had those moments shopping where I just swell in excitement.

I don't feel as bad about it because I've brought it up when talking to The Man, and he's been feeling the same way.  He's excited to have a child as well, but right now the whole thing is just surreal.  I just feel bad though, because when people find out I'm pregnant one of their first questions is always, "are you SO excited?"  And I usually give a half-hearted, "yeah, I guess."  Can I blame my apathy on pregnancy hormones?  Let's blame it on that.

Meet My Pet, Peeve

As soon as I graduated college, I went right back for more school so I could earn an endorsement for teaching Chemistry.  Yesterday morning I was sitting in my Organic Chemistry class and I heard the worst sound in the world: crunching.

Now, usually I'm okay with crunching, whether it's dried leaves, bike tires on gravel, or an apple in my own mouth.  This crunching was different though; it was the crunch of someone eating granola in the middle of a lecture.  Maybe it's because I was secretly jealous that this student had the foresight to bring a snack to the two-hour lecture, or maybe it was because I could barely hear the professor over the impressive jaw smashes of the granola-masticating human, but it drove me crazy.

It was there in the lecture hall, slinging hateful insults at the unknowing student through thoughts that I realized that I have a problem with eating noises.  A couple of nights ago, in fact, I had been silently screaming at The Man for eating a burrito next to me.  Because I'm a jerk face.

Of course, my own eating noises are usually fine, but other people eating is just terrible for me.  It's one of my pet peeves.

I have many other pet peeves: I absolutely hate it when people write "LOL" or use "u" instead of adding two stinking letters and looking worlds more educated.  It frustrates me to no end when people neglect to use their turn signals while driving.  Girls that do the Disney version of a sneeze (you know what I'm talking about; that high-pitched squeaky noise that sounds exactly like "ah-choo!") make me want to slap them and tell them to sneeze like a human.  Basically I can be a very hateful person when it comes to my pet peeves, is what I'm saying.

So as I was mulling over my jerkish ways I started thinking about the phrase "pet peeve."  Why is it a pet?  Why isn't it just a "peeve?"

I decided that it's because we treat our peeves like pets*.  We don't ignore them and get on with our lives, because then our pets would die.  We think about them often, sometimes we feed them by picking out annoying people and focusing on how much we hate them, and we nurture our little peeves.  Where would we be without our peeves?  We wouldn't be as "unique."  There's no way in the world someone else is annoyed by the same things we are; our peeves make us special and different.  Just like a cat.  Ok, maybe the metaphor doesn't work perfectly.

So here's my challenge for the day: let one of your pet peeves die.  Maybe you're going to finally wear socks with sandals and realize how heavenly it is, maybe you're going to "LOL back and forth on the text line" (yeah...Black Eyed Peas), or maybe you're going to sit back and ignore it when your significant other blatantly picks their nose in front of you.  Whatever it is, I salute you for your courage and strength.  I think I'll tackle my food-noise problem first :)

*Other names for a pet besides Peeve: Damned Spot, Ruprecht, Wade Wilson (if you got all of those references, we can be friends)