Some days I miss my short hair. See, once upon a time I was daring and reckless and didn’t give a flying…fox… what anyone thought of me. I used to have a mini mullet. And I dyed it all the time. I also used to walk around town wearing 3D glasses, diffraction glasses (that I stole from a Chemistry class – I called them my happy glasses), bright yellow puffy vests, American flag shoes…Really, I was fearless.
I also used to be up for doing crazy things. I bought Nerf swords and my friends and I
would have fights. In public. Like, where people could see us. Fighting with children’s toys. I’d steal signs from one end of campus and
place them in the other end. I’d
skateboard around town with one of my best friends, even though I’m terrible at
skateboarding and I looked like a total idiot.
One time, my cousin and I were walking around town and stopped to listen
to some guys playing instruments in their living room. And they invited us in, so we went in and
played with them for a while. Seriously,
seriously reckless.
And some days, when I’m really feeling grown-up and boring,
I miss those days. See, I kind of
changed once I met The Man. I had
crushes on guys before, and I had even made out with a few, but I never really
felt like I was exciting or attractive or interesting enough to be something
they wanted in their lives, so I acted crazy.
With The Man I didn’t need to be crazy; he actually liked me. He also encouraged me to be the best person I
could be.
Once I understood that I was likable, I started taking care
of myself more. I grew my hair out, I
wore make-up, I DID my hair (that was a huge thing for me), I dressed better,
and I started being less crazy in public.
And people seem to love my new image.
It seems like every time I see people that I knew during my crazy stage
they say something like, “wow, you look so good!” Or my personal favorite, “I didn’t recognize
you…You were so quiet…”
The thing is, I don’t know which image is really me. Maybe I really am this quiet, kind, loving
person…Or maybe I’m not. Maybe the inner
me IS that mullet-rocking, Nerf-sword-fighting, yelling-penis-in-public girl
that I used to be. I guess it’s possible
that I have a multiple-personality disorder too (kidding).
I was always so excited to grow up and be the mature version
of me who did taxes, had a salary, paid bills, owned my own apartment, and made
my own rules…but sometimes I feel like I’m not making my own rules. Sometimes I feel like I’m stifling my true
desires. For example, we had a big
thunderstorm recently. I went outside
and one of my male neighbors was dancing around shirtless in the parking
lot. He just looked so excited to be
there, alone and dancing and happy…It was great. I think the past me would have totally joined
him, but the present me briefly mentioned something about “the crazy weather”
to him, covered my head, and ran to my car as fast as possible.
See, sometimes I just want to express myself, but I hold
back. I don’t want to feel ashamed about
my desires to skip in public, chase birds down a beach, sing loudly as I walk
down the street, and dance like a crazy person while listening to music in my
car. The times that I do let myself go,
the people I’m with get embarrassed.
Well, good people of the world, be warned. I am going to start being crazy again. Not mullet hair or yelling penis loudly in
public crazy, but I’m going to express my joy when I feel it again. If you need me, I’ll be the person doing a
poor rendition of the robot behind the wheel at red lights.
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