On Homosexuality

I’m going to try something crazy here; I’m going to write on a super controversial topic.  No, seriously.  I chose this topic because it’s something that has bugged me for years and years and today I finally received some clarity on the matter.  As you’re reading this, please do so with an open mind and recognize that I’m not trying to change your mind or incite a riot; I’m just trying to explain why my religion takes the stance that they do.

If I had to choose one problem that I had in the past with my religion it would be their stance on homosexual relations.  When you’re reading the bible, you do see mention of some homosexuality, but it’s not really specifically called out as a sin.  People with same-gender attraction are just as capable of being loving parents (I’ve known several), just as capable of loving God, and just as worthy of my respect and love as anyone else.  It frustrated me to no end that my church fights against their right to be married and raise families together.  I read a ton of information that the church has put out regarding homosexual relations: what you’re advised to do if you find yourself struggling with same-sex attraction, what to do if you discover your child is homosexual, what to do if your spouse tells you they are attracted to the same gender, et cetera.  I never really felt like a satisfactory answer was given though: Why are we so against their happiness?

I’ve heard it argued that it’s because homosexual partners cannot produce children, but that didn’t seem right to me.  There are plenty of heterosexual couples who are sterile; are they bad too then?  I’ve also heard that children need a mother and a father, and while I agree to a point, I have seen some very happy and stable children come from families with homosexual parents.  There had to be more to it than just that.

And then today I realized something.  It’s not that we’re against their happiness; it’s that we’re FOR their happiness in the long-term.  Before you throw your computer against the wall and send me hate mail, please listen to why I say that.

In my religion we believe that this life is just a very very tiny amount of time, and the majority of our growth and development will take place in the next life.  We believe that in the next life we will have the opportunity to become gods, to create our own worlds, and to populate those worlds with our own children.  We believe that God himself went through a mortal life like we’re doing now, that He performed admirably, and because of that He was able to become a god.  We believe that every human that has lived on Earth is a spiritual child of God created in the same way that children are created here on Earth. 

We do not believe that homosexuality is a phase or a means to attract attention; we recognize that those feelings are real and that it is a lifelong struggle if you choose to forgo a homosexual lifestyle.  We do not see it as a weakness, but as a trial.  Just like all other trials faced here on Earth, we believe it will be lifted from our shoulders in the life to come. 

The Mormon church tells us often to look at things “in the eternal perspective.”  Instead of focusing entirely on this life, we are asked to look into the future and recognize that we are working for a higher purpose than just our mortal lives.  That was the piece of information that sparked my epiphany today.

I’m going to sum up the points I just made, and then put them all together for you.

1. Our mortality is a VERY small portion of our lives.  There is much more to follow.

2. In the next life we will have the opportunity to become gods and fill our worlds with our own children.

3. Homosexuality is a mortal trial, not an eternal characteristic.

*Edit: The Man wanted me to emphasize that this is not the church's official position, as the prophet has not come out and said this exact idea.  This is my personal understanding of the issue, but it is based off of church doctrine.

Almost everybody wants to progress and become more than what they currently are.  In the next life progression is becoming a god.  As gods and goddesses we will have the responsibility to create worlds and children to populate those worlds.  There is no adoption in Heaven.  Heterosexual couples that struggled with infertility on Earth will have that trial lifted from their shoulders, and they will have the ability to create.  A homosexual couple would not have that same ability, since the method of creation is the same as on Earth.

The reason my church fights against homosexual relations is because we believe that in the next life homosexual partners would have no means to progress to the status of gods.  They would be literally unproductive, and nobody deserves a future in which they cannot progress.  God would not allow His children to be damned to a life without progression, which is why we believe homosexuality is a trial that will be lifted in the next life.

We do not believe that homosexuals are bad people.  “Homophobic” behaviors go against everything Christ stood for, and we do not condone those actions.  The church does not try to disrespect homosexual partners by fighting against their marriages; we honestly believe that staying out of a homosexual partnership is more beneficial for their eternal happiness.

Like I said in the introduction; I’m not trying to persuade you to believe what I’m saying.  I recognize that if you’re not religious this sounds insane.  What I’m trying to do is help you understand why my church holds on to its beliefs about homosexual relationships.  Maybe it can help you have an open mind about the seemingly close-minded doctrine of the Mormon church.

The Tale of the Baldis Eagalis

You know what can be super awkward?  Writing your own biography blurb.  Or just having to talk to people about yourself, like the ever-present interview question: "Tell us about yourself."

See, I like to believe that I'm a complex human being, and that it's hard to get to know me in three sentences or less.  When people ask me to tell them about myself I freeze up and forget all the interesting things about me (my tongue is the same length as Gene Simmons' tongue, I've swam with dolphins, I graduated high school at 16, when I first met my father-in-law I lied to him about my age because it was just habit by then, et cetera), and they end up hearing about cookie-cutter me.  Which, to be honest, is probably better for job interviews.  Having a long tongue isn't exactly a prerequisite for most jobs.

Although you have to admit; it is pretty impressive

Today I had to write a bio for my new school's webpage.  I wrote my name, my credentials, and some of the places I've lived, and then this crap came out:

[Spotalotamus] loves hiking, mountain biking, swimming, and playing in the snow.  She also loves reading, learning new things, baking unhealthy food, and her cat named C.A.T.

 You should be warned: [Spotalotamus] tells terrible jokes.  Prepare yourself for zingers such as, “you can’t trust atoms; they make up everything,” and “if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”  Buh-duhm, tcshhh!

Ya, my students are going to be SUPER excited about the new teacher who is just like every single other person in the world.  I mean, once they get to know me they usually like me, but that bio is just...sad.

I've never really been great at first impressions though.  I met one of my best friends by looking her up in my middle-school yearbook and calling her (she had written in it because we had mutual friends, I think), and then I left mid-hangout and she spent an hour or so alone with my mother.  There's a great first impression for ya.  "Oh, she's creepy AND rude!  I really want to be friends with her."  Honestly, I have no idea why she kept hanging out with me (but I'm grateful she did; she's still one of my best friends ten years later).

In one job interview I was way too honest: "I'm usually really good about showing up on time, but you know how sometimes you're a little late...And I'm a hard worker, mostly.  My least favorite thing about working in customer service is the customers, honestly.  They can be super rude sometimes" (that wasn't a joke; I said almost those exact words when interviewing for a position at K-Mart).

One of my favorite stories is that of the job interview that led to my future student-teaching position, though.  I was interviewing with two principals at the same time (they were from the same area; one was a high school and the other a middle school).  I was doing okay, and I'd made them laugh a couple times by quoting Calvin and Hobbes, so I was feeling pretty confident.  Then this happened.
Principal 1: So you don't have a minor?
Me: No, I have a composite degree, so I know pretty much everything there is to know about Biology (I often exaggerate when I feel awkward).
P1: Oh really?  Like the scientific name of the bald eagle?
Me: Of course!  Baldis eagalis (I also have a really bad habit of jokingly lying when I feel awkward).
Principal 2: That's impressive!  (He wasn't a scientist.)
P1: Close; it's Haliaeetus leucocephalus (turns out he was a wildlife Biologist before becoming an administrator).
So, I ended up getting the job with the second principal.  And when I saw the first principal a year later can you guess what the first thing he said to me was?  "Hey!  Baldis eagalis!"  (True story.)

Hali: salt, Aeetus: eagle, Leuco: white, Cephalus: head

It may seem like I've gotten off-topic, but I really haven't.  Topic: first impressions, and how terrible I am at them.  I may be an interesting, multi-dimensional person who is intelligent and witty and charming at times, but people who have only met me once usually think I'm a lying, exaggerating, over-confident tool.  At one point in my life that probably would have been the correct impression to have, but I like to think I've grown since then.

Do you have any embarrassing first impression stories?  Write it in the comments; it'll give the other readers a nice change-up from having to read my writing all the time :)

So...I'm a Mormon

I have a 16-year-old brother, and despite the general populace’s feelings on teenage boys I think he’s pretty great.  The more I get to know him, the better I like him, and I have a feeling it’s going to be like that for the rest of our lives.

I’m bringing him up because the other day he shared his feelings about my family’s church on Facebook.  It was incredible.  The little kid that grew up wearing only brand-name clothing and playing sports and fitting in with his peers took a chance to share his love for Christ.  In public.  Where his male friends could see.  So I decided to take a chance too.

I’m going to warn you right now; if you aren’t interested in reading my feelings about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons), skip this post.  If you’re even a bit curious to know why a level-headed, always-questioning, independent woman like me is a Mormon, then please give it a chance.

The church has become a kind of refuge for me.  I don’t need to tell you that the world can be pretty crappy at times.  Friends pass away, spouses lose jobs, babies are miscarried, soldiers die far away from their families – life is really really hard.  However, a belief in a loving God gives me hope.  I know that life will not be perfect because people are imperfect, and the physical world is imperfect, but I believe that God’s love is perfect.  Sometimes it is in His plan to aid us, and sometimes it isn’t, but since I can’t see the bigger picture it’s not my place to judge.  Believing in God helps me to feel comfort when things really suck, because I believe that in the garden of Gethsemane Christ suffered all of our pains and afflictions, and if we turn to Him during our trials He can truly empathize with us.  Just praying to Him and telling Him my troubles has often been the best source of comfort I've received. 

I love my church because it encourages not only a very personal relationship with God, but also a very personal understanding of the gospel.  The Mormon church encourages its members to test its doctrine so that the members can receive their own testimonies.  I know a big issue people have with organized religion is “blind following,” but honestly I don’t feel that my church encourages that at all.  I’m the type of person that double-checks and researches everything I have questions about.  Sometimes if I say something I’m not sure is right, I’ll even double-check and correct myself.  The Mormon church encourages that.  The leaders talk all the time about how they want the members to go to college and educate themselves.  They beg us to question and learn things for ourselves.  Members in the church are given teaching positions in the church so that they can dig deeper and learn more about why we do the things that we do.  We’re conservative and may seem old-fashioned, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t question.

I love how much my church emphasizes the importance of family.  I come from a rather large family – nine kids.  Growing up seemed so terrible at the time.  Your siblings were always copying you or following you around or stealing your stuff or telling on you…I was not a fan.  Now that we’re all growing up though, I honestly love every minute of spending time with my family.  If my parents had not emphasized the importance of family, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy them like I do now (I probably would have estranged most of them long ago).  On top of that, my religion really emphasizes the importance of marriage.  It’s emphasized so much that people often mock us for marrying young and having families early.  When my parents got married my mother was 19.  My dad was still in college.  From meeting to marriage they had about four months together.  After being married for a year my mum got pregnant (and the family joke is she never stopped being pregnant for the next 20 years).  It seems like a recipe for disaster, but it wasn’t.  My parents may not be perfect for each other, but they know that family is important, they love each other, and they stick together even when times are super hard.  I honestly believe that if we weren’t members of the Mormon church, my family would be nothing like it is today. 

I’ve definitely had doubts about my church before, and I’m willing to bet I’ll have doubts again – that’s how Satan works.  He takes a good thing and makes you doubt it and worry about it until you’re not sure it’s a good thing anymore.  What I do know without any doubt is that the most joyful moments of my life have been directly caused by my membership in this church. 

I believe that other churches do have truth to them, and I know so many amazing people who are not members of the church that I think are still getting into heaven, but I believe the Mormon church is the only one that perfectly matches the church that Christ set up while He was on the earth.  I’ve studied the bible and paid close attention to how the church was run; Christ’s church had delegation among church members, non-paid clergy, missionaries, tithing, fasting, baptism, breaking of bread, temple work, and many, many other things that the Mormon church also has.

I have felt the love of our modern-day prophet, Thomas S. Monson, and the other church leaders.  I know that they do everything in their power to not only bless the people in the church, but the people outside of the church as well through welfare services and disaster-response.  They strive to be the hands of Christ on this world, just as we all should.

I love being a Mormon.  Sure, we’re not perfect people.  We can be stupid and cruel and ignorant just like anyone else, and I’m very sorry if something I said ever turned you off from the church.  We’re trying our best though.  We try to live like Christ: loving others, lifting them up, bettering ourselves, and trying to make the world a better place.

If you have any questions about the church, ask a friend who’s a member (like me!), a local missionary pair, or visit either of these websites: lds.org, mormon.org.

A Letter to My Progeny

So I saw something on Pinterest (I know, I know…).  It was a template for writing a letter to your future child about what you want for them, and I thought it was kind of cool.  I mean, I don’t have kids, I’m not pregnant, and I don’t expect to be pregnant for a while yet, but I’m one of those people who really likes to plan ahead.  Plus, if I sit down and determine how I want my children to grow up, I’ll be able to better plan for how to raise them.  That’s a teaching technique, by the way; backwards planning.  You take your end goals and then build a lesson plan off of them.  Anyways, here’s my letter to my future child(ren):

Dear kid,

 You’re ridiculously attractive, you know that?  I mean, you had no choice but to be attractive with your genes.  There’s more to life than being attractive though, so below is a list of the hopes that I have for you as you grow up.

I hope you love nature.  I want to look for bugs under rocks with you, climb trees to investigate birds’ nests with you, swim in lakes and rivers with you, hike mountains with you, and teach you to respect life. 

I hope you’re a reader, and that you love learning.  I hope you question, and probe, and research, and experiment, and struggle to understand the world around you and the people that live on it.

I hope you aren’t afraid to be yourself.  I want you to change and to grow and to become responsible and independent and joyful, but I don’t want you to think that you need to change your personality to meet others’ expectations of you.

I hope you think your dad and I are funny, and I hope you cultivate your very own sense of humor.  I also hope you use that humor wisely.  Make people laugh, but never at the expense of someone else.

I hope you learn to pick yourself up when you fall, and I hope you recognize that falling is not failure; just a chance to try again.

For my boys: I hope you respect women.  I hope you open doors for them, give up your seat for them, never raise your voice with them, and remember that all women are someone’s daughter or mother.

For my girls: I hope you respect men.  I hope you allow them to show their love for you instead of being fiercely independent, never raise your voice with them, and recognize that you can break their hearts just as easily as they break yours.

I hope you realize that people have different opinions than you do, and I hope you treat those people with respect.  Learn to defend your arguments well, but don’t expect that to change their minds.

I hope you’re aware, but optimistic.  I don’t want you to be naïve about the world around you, but I want you to see the good in the world.  Be cautious, but don’t assume that everyone is out to get you.  The majority of people are good (even the ones that seem so different from you).

I hope you look for chances to serve others.  Whether it’s comforting a mourning friend, helping someone jump-start their car, or smiling at the people you walk by on the street, try and brighten at least one person’s day every day.

I hope you get the opportunity to follow your dreams.  Maybe you want to be like your crazy aunt that ran off to France for a summer to serve old people.  Go do it.  Maybe you want to learn how to restore old cars.  Go do it.  Maybe you want to become a zookeeper.  Go do it.  Your dad and I will try our best to make your dreams possible, as long as you’re putting effort in too.

I hope you understand that God loves you.  On top of that, I hope you understand that God loves everyone JUST AS MUCH as He loves you, and you have no right to belittle someone or make them feel like less than a child of God.  I hope you try and live like Christ: serving others and loving them as they are, while at the same time uplifting them and encouraging them to be even better people.

I hope you never forget that your dad and I love you.  Right now you’re just a single cell chillin’ in one of my ovaries, and I ALREADY love you.  We’re probably going to fight at some time in our lives.  You’ll tell me you hate me and I’ll say you made me fat, but as soon as that flare of passion is over I’m going to run and find you wherever you ran off to (if you’re like me it will be a few miles down the road) and apologize, because you mean more to me than anything.  Please please please don’t forget that.

I have so many more hopes for you, kid.  I just know you’re going to be awesome (you’re probably pretty awesome as I write these words; you’re half me!), and I’m super excited to see you all grown up.

I love you and always will,

Mum

So You Want to Know about Pathogens, Eh?

So a recent conversation with a friend sparked today’s topic: viral infections versus bacterial infections.  Even though we’ve all taken high school Biology, I think a lot of people have forgotten what the difference is between the two, and I’m here to change your world ;)

First off, please recognize that I am neither a doctor, nor a member of the CDC, nor an expert in any way, and I will be making generalizations and simplifying things quite a bit.  If you want to learn more talk to a professional or do some of your own research.  Also, say it with me: “viruses suck.”

Why do viruses suck?  I mean, we have preventative vaccines for them (which DO work and WILL NOT give your child autism; please do not believe that crap); can’t we just inject dead viruses into people for every major viral disease and cure viral infections forever?  Not really, no.  For things like polio we’ve done a pretty awesome job with the vaccine, but look at the success rate for the flu or the common cold.  Vaccines work by taking material - sometimes synthetic, sometimes genuine - from the pathogen (virus or bacteria) and sticking it into your body so that your immune system will recognize it and have a plan of attack in case a full-on infection happens.  To understand why we’ve had such great success with some viral vaccines but not others we need to look at how viruses spread.

There are two ways a virus can infect you: a sneaky way, or a Michael Bay way (lysogenic and lytic, respectively).  Don’t worry, I’ll give you an easy way to remember those names so you can wow your friends tomorrow.

See, all viruses start infecting you the same way: a virus attaches to a cell, sticks a tube into the cytoplasm, and spills its guts (see figure A).  By guts I mean genetic material, either RNA or DNA.  Once the genetic material is in, viruses can go into lytic mode or lysogenic mode.

Figure A: A virus inserting genetic material into a cell

Sneaky, sneaky!  (Lysogenic)

Even when viruses aren’t actively making you sick, they’re planning to.  Lysogenic reproduction is when viruses go undercover.  When conditions aren’t good outside for young viruses to be making their big debuts, the viral DNA/RNA will actually attach to the cell’s own genetic material, and then just wait (see figure B).  Every time the cell replicates, the viral DNA/RNA replicates with it.  Lysogenic viruses go so undercover they become a part of your cell.  Then, when the situation outside is better, the viral genes will “turn on” and the cell will start filling up with little viruses it made along with its normal proteins.  See, you don’t get sick when viruses are undergoing lysogenic replication, but it can easily turn into lytic replication, which does make you sick (you’ll see why).

Figure B: "Phage" = virus (also, the genome of the cell is circular because it's a bacterium; animal cells don't have circular genomes)

Hostile Takeover (Lytic)

There are two ways lytic reproduction can occur: right out of the gate, or after lysogenic production.  If conditions are favorable, viral DNA/RNA won’t even bother to attach itself to the cell’s genome; it will just take over the cell’s machinery and start making copies of itself on its own.  Pretty soon the cell is full of virus copies.  And what happens when you fill something past the point of capacity?  If you said, “it explodes,” you’re correct.  Violent, but correct (figure C).  The cell will rip apart, releasing all the newly-formed viruses into the world to infect as many new cells as possible, ideally in the exact same lytic way.  If the virus has gone through lysogenic reproduction it does the exact same thing, it just lets the cell make its own doom instead of taking over the machinery.

Figure C: MASSIVE EXPLOSION!

“Spotalotamus,” you cry, “how will we ever remember those names and processes?”  Don’t worry, baby birds, I’ll feed ya.  See, ‘lys’ and ‘lyt’ come from the same Greek root meaning “to loosen,” but in Biology we take it to the next level and they both mean “to break.”  So, both lysogenic and lytic are out to break apart your cell, but lysogenic takes longer.  Eh?  Longer word, longer process; you get it?  OK, maybe it won’t be so easy to remember the words, but I tried :P

So, why do some viral vaccines work great and others don’t?  Keep in mind that with every reproduction of genetic material, there’s usually a slight mutation in the genome.  With viruses replicating at such a massive scale, there’s bound to be some viruses that are stronger than others (as well as weaker ones, or non-viable ones; evolution works both ways).  The thing is viruses – like everything with genetic material – are constantly changing.  The easier they are to spread, the more mutations they will have.  Polio hasn’t changed enough to make the vaccines worthless, so we still have a preventative measure.  With the cold and flu though, there are TONS of mutations.  The flu vaccine they put out every year is usually made up of a few of the most common variations seen, so if you get a virus that wasn’t in the vaccine, you’re screwed.

And that is why viruses suck.  The best we can do in the fight against viruses is use preventative measures and treat the symptoms.

Bacteria, on the other hand, are the good guys.  For now.  It’s been estimated that the average human has ten times more bacteria in their body than human cells.  Pause.  Rewind.  Play.  The average human has TEN TIMES more bacteria in their body THAN HUMAN CELLS.  Needless to say, we usually get along with these guys pretty great.  You’ve even got some good-guy E. Coli hanging out in your digestive tract at this very moment, just doin’ its thang.  AND bacteria are alive, which means they need things like cell walls and working organelles, and that, my friends, is why bacteria can be great.

While there are some bacteria that have gone to the dark side with the viruses and get inside your cells to infect you, the majority stay outside of your cells, so we’re going to focus on those.  See, bacteria reproduce very fast as well, and they mutate just as much as viruses, but WE CAN KILL THEM.  I love that!  Since bacteria reproduce just by splitting in half for eternity, we’re going to focus more on the killing aspect.

There are two main types of bacteria: Gram-negative and Gram-positive (figure D).  The names allude to one Hans Gram who discovered that if you used a certain dye on bacteria, you could figure out how they protected themselves. 

Gram-negative
These bacteria don’t absorb the dye, and are seen as a pinkish color.  The dye isn’t absorbed because these bacteria have an awesome line of defense: two membranes, a cell wall, and an outer capsule for extra protection.  Needless to say, these are the harder ones to kill with antibiotics.  Usually the antibiotics you’re given for these bacteria work on destroying that membrane so it’s vulnerable to the environment around it.

Gram-positive
These bacteria do absorb the dye, and they’re seen as a purple color.  The main defense of these puppies is just a thick cell wall, and we have tons of antibiotics that rip that sucker apart.  Yay penicillin!

Figure D: The two types of bacteria

You may have noticed earlier that I said bacteria are the good guys “for now.”  And the main reason their villain applications are in is that people don’t understand the difference between viral and bacterial infections.  Bacterial, you can treat.  Easy.  However, if you take antibiotics for a viral infection (a very common practice in the past, since people would just pester their doctors until they gave them something), you’re setting yourself up for problems.  Remember how you have more bacteria in your body than human cells?  Well, if you put antibiotics into that sea of bacteria, you’re going to start your very own natural selection.  Recently there have been more and more cases of antibiotic-resistant bacteria, and it’s due to people taking antibiotics when they don’t need them. 

So be smart.  If you’re told it’s a virus, go home.  Drink water.  Rest.  Take a cough drop, if you want to.  Don’t pester your doctor for antibiotics.  If it’s bacterial, shout for joy because that sucker is going down. 

YAY SCIENCE!

The Pros and Cons of Marriage (from the eyes of a newlywed)

So, sometime last year I ran across a blog giving advice on how to make your marriage as good as possible.  It had some things I agreed with and some things that made me smirk (bring home flowers to your wife weekly?  Please, I’m lucky to get biannually), and then I saw why: the author had been married four months.  Now, I don’t mean to diss on four-month marriages, but…No, I mean to diss.  Baby, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

This post is going to be a lot like that for people that have been married longer than I have, but maybe you’ll find it humorous that I’m so naïve about the life I have ahead of me.  The Man and I just passed the two-year mark, so we’ve been married long enough to realize that marriage is work, but we’re still in the newlywed stage.  The following is a list of some of the Pros and Cons of marriage that I’ve discovered (this list also applies just as much to people in long-term committed relationships).

Pro: You’re no longer single! 

You don’t have to worry if someone likes you or not, you don’t have to go on awkward first dates, and you nabbed one of the most attractive people in the world.

Con: You’re no longer single. 

You will start to miss that angsty feeling of not knowing if someone likes you or not.  You’re going to miss awkward first dates, because you were meeting new people all the time.  The most attractive person in the world will start farting in front of you and blaming it on “barking spiders.”

Pro: You’ve got someone helping you pay your bills. 

No longer is it all on your shoulders (or, if you’re a moocher like me, partially on your shoulders and heavily on the shoulders of your parents).  Sure, the cost of living goes up, but when two people are pitching in it just feels easier.

Con: You seem to have more bills than ever, and you sometimes have to pay for someone else’s stuff.  When The Man and I first got married, I had almost $20k saved up.  With school, living in separate states for a while, and the rising price of gas, it was gone in less than a year.  It felt kind of unfair, because if I hadn’t have gotten married I would be sitting pretty right now on a sizeable savings account. 

Pro: You have an awesome and ridiculously handsome/beautiful cheering section rooting for you. 

Life is really hard, and when you live on your own it feels doubly so.  Sure, you can call your mum every day and have her tell you that you’re great, but she birthed you; she better feel that way!  When you’re married you have the opportunity to go home every day to someone who thinks you’re so incredible that they decided to spend the rest of their life with you.  That can be a pretty awesome feeling.  I’m not saying they’re always super excited and happy to see you all the time and you’re so wonderful and everything you do is perfect and oh gosh oh gosh they’re the luckiest person on Earth; I’m saying that when you’re really struggling, they’re there for you.

Con: They know the real you.

I don’t know about you guys, but I have boogers.  And I poop.  And sometimes I lay around all day doing nothing because I am one of the laziest people out there.  Also, I hate washing dishes, and we don’t have a dishwasher.  And The Man sees all of that.  He knows the worst sides of me more than anyone (I mean, he’s seen me without make-up on at least…2 occasions!).  And I get on his nerves sometimes, because living with someone like me is not a cakewalk. 

There are tons of other pros and cons, but due to modern technology people have extremely short attention spans now (myself included) and I don’t want to bore you.

See marriage, like anything else in life, is always going to have good and bad.  It may even have equal amounts of good things and bad things.  The trick is to look qualitatively, not quantitatively.  I have a best friend who has promised to stick with me through hard times and easy times, through wrinkles and fat rolls, through snorting laughs and annoying eating noises.  My future children will have a father who loves them, sets an example for them, and makes sure their needs are provided for.  I have someone who is always pushing me to be a better person, to look at things from a different perspective, to serve more, to love more, and to be more.  And on top of that, he loves to clean!

Sure, maybe I have to be less selfish and of course there will be other people I have chemistry with, but it’s not worth it to me.  Losing what I have and the joy it brings me isn’t worth a year of passion, a nicer apartment, or any of the other things leaving The Man might bring me.

I think we lose track of that in day-to-day life.  We get preoccupied with how monotonous or boring our lives seem, and we forget that it’s really stability and happiness.  In five years when we hit the infamous “seven-year lull,” I hope The Man and I can remember why we’re together, and I hope we fight for this relationship, because it’s a darn good one.

I Was a Teenage Dirtbag, Baby

Some days I miss my short hair.  See, once upon a time I was daring and reckless and didn’t give a flying…fox… what anyone thought of me.  I used to have a mini mullet.  And I dyed it all the time.  I also used to walk around town wearing 3D glasses, diffraction glasses (that I stole from a Chemistry class – I called them my happy glasses), bright yellow puffy vests, American flag shoes…Really, I was fearless.

I also used to be up for doing crazy things.  I bought Nerf swords and my friends and I would have fights.  In public.  Like, where people could see us.  Fighting with children’s toys.  I’d steal signs from one end of campus and place them in the other end.  I’d skateboard around town with one of my best friends, even though I’m terrible at skateboarding and I looked like a total idiot.  One time, my cousin and I were walking around town and stopped to listen to some guys playing instruments in their living room.  And they invited us in, so we went in and played with them for a while.  Seriously, seriously reckless.

And some days, when I’m really feeling grown-up and boring, I miss those days.  See, I kind of changed once I met The Man.  I had crushes on guys before, and I had even made out with a few, but I never really felt like I was exciting or attractive or interesting enough to be something they wanted in their lives, so I acted crazy.  With The Man I didn’t need to be crazy; he actually liked me.  He also encouraged me to be the best person I could be.

Once I understood that I was likable, I started taking care of myself more.  I grew my hair out, I wore make-up, I DID my hair (that was a huge thing for me), I dressed better, and I started being less crazy in public.  And people seem to love my new image.  It seems like every time I see people that I knew during my crazy stage they say something like, “wow, you look so good!”  Or my personal favorite, “I didn’t recognize you…You were so quiet…”

The thing is, I don’t know which image is really me.  Maybe I really am this quiet, kind, loving person…Or maybe I’m not.  Maybe the inner me IS that mullet-rocking, Nerf-sword-fighting, yelling-penis-in-public girl that I used to be.  I guess it’s possible that I have a multiple-personality disorder too (kidding).

I was always so excited to grow up and be the mature version of me who did taxes, had a salary, paid bills, owned my own apartment, and made my own rules…but sometimes I feel like I’m not making my own rules.  Sometimes I feel like I’m stifling my true desires.  For example, we had a big thunderstorm recently.  I went outside and one of my male neighbors was dancing around shirtless in the parking lot.  He just looked so excited to be there, alone and dancing and happy…It was great.  I think the past me would have totally joined him, but the present me briefly mentioned something about “the crazy weather” to him, covered my head, and ran to my car as fast as possible. 

See, sometimes I just want to express myself, but I hold back.  I don’t want to feel ashamed about my desires to skip in public, chase birds down a beach, sing loudly as I walk down the street, and dance like a crazy person while listening to music in my car.  The times that I do let myself go, the people I’m with get embarrassed.  Well, good people of the world, be warned.  I am going to start being crazy again.  Not mullet hair or yelling penis loudly in public crazy, but I’m going to express my joy when I feel it again.  If you need me, I’ll be the person doing a poor rendition of the robot behind the wheel at red lights.

"Leave the Boy Alone!"

So I learned something this past week: I hate bronchitis!  I was thinking that maybe it would be a fun experience but so far it’s been nothing but disappointment.  Ah well.  Next stop, muscular dystrophy!

That was a tasteless joke.

Anyways, that’s why I haven’t written anything in a few days.  Believe me, I tried.  I started five different posts, all of which ended up being hate rants about feeling fat and racked with pain.  I know I got you hooked on my humor and impeccable grammar with the past few posts, so I really didn’t want to turn out a disappointing one.  Hopefully this one meets the high caliber of my more popular posts, like the one that mentions Ryan Reynolds in the title.  I’m still 87.6% positive that that post has been read the most solely because it mentions Ryan Reynolds, which is kind of funny because I have a shirtless picture of him in another post that has been read less…

In today’s post I’m going to explain why this blog’s URL says “Spaghetti for Brains.”  It comes from a funny and very insightful video called “A Tale of Two Brains,” seen here:

It’s not a zombie video, despite the misleading title, but a presentation by Mark Gungor talking about how men and women think differently.  And let me tell ya, he knows what he’s talking about.

I first watched this video freshman year of college in a communications course.  I thought it was funny, thought he was spot-on about the women, and didn’t think twice about the men.  See, at that time I had never had a serious relationship with a boy.  I couldn’t comprehend the importance of what Mr. Gungor was saying, and I DEFINITELY didn’t realize how pertinent the information would be in three years.

In the video, Mr. Gungor talks about men’s brains being organized into separate boxes (including the infamous “nothing” box) and women’s brains being made up of interconnected wires (I had a teacher later refer to women as “spaghetti-brained” while explaining the theory, hence my URL).  He says that in stressful situations, women need to make connections in their brains and talk it out to understand how they’re feeling and de-stress, and men like to go to their “nothing” box and just…think about nothing.

If you look at the brain activity in men and women, you can see that this is true.  Women tend to approach tasks using several different parts of the brain, while men tend to work from one section at a time (http://www.benthamscience.com/open/toanatj/articles/V002/37TOANATJ.pdf).  Of course, the brain activity depends on the task; in some cases men are better at using several parts of the brain at once, but in general women do it more often.  Now this doesn’t mean women are smarter, it just means women approach problems and stress very differently from men.

As I should have guessed from his name, The Man is no different from other men.  When we were first married I was constantly trying to get him to talk things out with me when he was stressed.  I thought, “well, it’s the best solution for me, so I’m sure it will work for him!”  However, this constant annoyance ended up having the opposite effect from what I wanted; it made The Man much more distant and much less willing to talk things out with me.  It wasn’t until I re-watched the video and read a book about the physiological differences in the two sexes’ brains (Why Gender Matters) that I understood how The Man works.  I had to follow Mr. Gungor’s advice and “leave the boy alone.”

I now know the importance of non-thinking activity when The Man gets off of work.  He goes to school and works full-time, so he’s got some pretty long days.  When he gets home I now know to back off and let him spend time in his “nothing” box, whether that entails playing tower defense games, watching "Futurama," or just sitting on the couch staring off into space.  When he wants to talk things out with me now, he feels much more comfortable doing so because he knows I’m not going to force it out of him.  I’ve learned to ride through the long pauses when he’s explaining something without jumping in and giving my opinion, and I get to enjoy my husband much more because of it.

Then there’s the woman’s side.  Mr. Gungor briefly talks about how women don’t want solutions, they want you to listen to them.  I think the idea is beautifully portrayed in this video:

I may be speaking for all women or I may just be speaking for myself when I say we just want sympathy and compliments.  Forget all that, “here’s what you should do” crap, just tell us we’re amazing for soldiering on through such a hard time and let us monologue so we can make the necessary connections to realize how we feel and what we should do.  Now obviously, that’s not always true, but the majority of the time…sympathy and compliments, men.  That’s all we ask for.

Of course, these scenarios are really general.  I’m sure not all men have “box” brains and not all women have “wire” brains.  I know there are times when women really want to be told what to do and when men do want to talk about it.  We need to remember though: we do not think in the same way.  Whether you’re just going off of life experience, Mr. Gungor’s presentation, that scientific article I linked, or just the fact that I’m super smart and you’ll believe anything I say, you know that men and women think differently.  It’s my belief that the more we remember that, the better our relationships will be.  Treat your woman like a woman.  Treat your man like a man.