Runner Tip: Try Running from Zombies!

This post is for you, Cuz.

Let’s talk about zombies.  Zombie lore over the years has introduced us to many kinds: the slow-moving shamblers, the ones who can run okay but you’re faster, the ones who somehow got cheetah genes spliced in and their muscles can perform feats no human muscle can, those who eat brains, those who eat anything, those who die with a direct hit to the head, those who can be run over by a car and survive …Sooo many types of zombies, guys.  And so many ways to become a zombie!  Maybe it’s an airborne virus released as a form of bio-terrorism, maybe it’s a strain of rabies or mad cow, maybe it’s an attempt to cure muscular dystrophy, maybe it’s bath salts; whatevs.

I have a love/hate relationship with zombies.  See, I know it’s impossible and their bodies would deteriorate and blah-dee-blah, and I know it’s an illegitimate fear, but I’m still scared of them.  Other people have these fantasies of the zombie apocalypse where they’ll be able to shoot other humans in the head because, well, zombies, man!  I just get terrified when I think of anything wanting to consume my intestines while I’m still alive.  It’s just gotten worse since Stormageddon was born – how can I expect him to stay still and quiet if we have to sneak past a horde of zoms?  How am I going to run as fast as possible while carrying a squirming baby?  What is the proper age to teach a child to use a chainsaw in self-defense?  These are the important questions, people.

Despite all that, I still have this morbid fascination with zombies.  I enjoyed “Shaun of the Dead,” “Zombieland,” and the one episode I watched of “The Walking Dead” before I realized that if I continued watching it I would have nightmares literally every night (thanks, “Supernatural,” for teaching me that).  Comedy zombies I can take.  I just freak out later when I’m walking through the pitch-black house to comfort a screaming baby.

So when I saw the app for “Zombies, Run,” I just had to research it a bit.  Because I’m addicted.  I used to run in high school, and I wasn’t too bad - I could hold a 7 minute mile for several miles.  I haven’t run consistently since junior year of high school though, so now I’m much slower and breathing is harder and my boobs are bigger and my legs are heavier and the globe is warming up and since I had a baby maybe if I run too hard my pelvic floor will collapse and my uterus will spill all over the pavement and I just have many, many reasons not to run.  And just for the record I know that my uterus isn’t going to fall out of me anytime soon.  BUT IT CAN HAPPEN, PEOPLE.

Wow, I am on a roll with tangents.

Anyways.  This zombies app.  How it works is you get little clips of a storyline in between songs on your playlist.  You’re a runner for Abel Township – you have to get supplies.  While you’re getting supplies, distracting zombies, or going on missions you’re being talked to over your headset by the base (these are the storyline clips).  The base has cameras and GPS and all that jazz and so they warn you when zombies are coming and you have to run faster.  If you don’t pick up the pace, the zombies catch you and steal all your supplies (I’m not sure if they kill you or not; it seems like they’re just hungry for canned beans and batteries).  You can hear the zombies groaning behind you if you’re running too slow.

That’s if you’ve got the “chase” feature enabled, which requires you to be outside (no treadmill or elliptical or anything) and have your GPS on.  However, you can turn off chases and just listen to the story while doing your workout. 

When you’re done with your workout, you can help beef up Abel Township with the supplies you’ve collected – very very slightly like Age of Empires.  I don’t think you have to do this though; it can’t affect the story line at all because all the seasons (4 of them) are pre-made.

If you’re a cheapskate like me, they now have a free version, which is awesome.  You get four story missions up-front, and then you can acquire one more every week.  You have unlimited access to supply run missions though, which is cool.  The only buggy bit I ran across was that your playlist will shut off after two songs and you’re just stuck with dead silence (haha) between story lines.  You can avoid this by starting your playlist before opening up the zombies app.

So far I’ve only done a single run with the app.  You can set times that you’re willing to run (25+, 40+, 60+), so I did the shortest amount possible because I’m REALLY out of shape.  27 minutes later I was nearing the end of my run when a zombie came up behind me and I had to sprint a little bit to avoid her.  It was ridiculous how hard that was for me – I was wheezing and thinking over and over “when does it stop?!”  Seven hours later I escaped her (later I learned it had only been a single minute of pursuit).  You know what though?  I escaped.  I ran so fast I didn’t even hear her groaning.  That made me kinda proud.

All in all, it’s a pretty fun app.  You can use it offline, so it doesn’t use up your data, you get to listen to your own music, you get to follow along with the story of a zombie-ridden world, and you have a reason to push yourself.  I’m actually looking forward to future runs, which is ridiculous because I hate running (I figured out why, too.  It’s because I’m so much worse than I used to be.  If there’s something I’m not good at, I’d really rather not do it.  Which is a small-minded and stupid way to go about life).

If you’re trying to get into running (for the first time or the seventeenth time or whatever) and you’ve got even a mild interest in zombies I would try this app out.  And maybe even buy the upgrade to thank the developers for their excellent work (once you’ve mooched off the free one for a while, of course).