Why You Love Sherlock: A Deduction

Welcome, come on in.

If you could just have a seat right there, shut up, and give me a second to examine you before I take your case on.

Aaaaaannnndd . . . I think I have everything I need.

Let’s start with your eyes.  There are clear and definite bags underneath, indicating that you have been up half the night – even though you probably told yourself not to do this again – watching BBC’s “new” Sherlock show.  So no, you don’t even have to tell me what your problem is; I already know it. 

You’re addicted.

It’s quite simple to see WHY you’re addicted; the signs are all there.  You don’t see it?  Ah.  I wonder what it’s like in that funny little mind of yours.  Must get so cramped sometimes.  Allow me to enlighten you.

• You have a pencil smudge on your right medial knuckle, indicating that you’ve been writing, but you are often writing above something you’ve written before.  This is suggestive of a puzzle of some sort – I’d guess Sudoku – but you’re not talented enough to complete the puzzle in pen without making mistakes.  Since the easier Sudokus can be completed in pen by any imbecile, you’ve obviously been trying to challenge yourself. 

So you love solving riddles, but you’re not exceptionally bright.  Watching “Sherlock” allows you to feel the rush of dopamine and serotonin when you’ve figured out something difficult, and you can experience that rush without being blessed with the perspicacity of the titular character.

The plain truth of the matter is that many of the crimes in the television series are easily solvable.  First-time watchers can often guess at least the culprit about halfway through the show, leaving them with a sense of superiority as the characters onscreen struggle to discover what the smug audience is screaming at them. 

•  Your fingers are thin, your hands are delicate, and your skin is pale.  Though you have a slim body, your muscle lacks any tone or definition.  Adding to all that your current slouching position, I’d guess you spend much of your day at the computer, often forgetting to eat for long periods of time.  While it is possible to use the computer frequently and have a social life – seeing as most jobs require computer use now – your pale skin and lack of tonality show you don’t get out much.  If you do socialize, it’s probably through forums or social media sites. 

Using the internet so frequently means you love to research.  Though your research probably consists of Marvel character backstories, “Game of Thrones” theories, and ways to make meals out of Ramen and Cheetos, you still consider yourself more intelligent than the average human due to all the reading you accomplish.  You also consider yourself socially inept – it’s hard to understand other humans if you rarely interact face-to-face.  Lastly, due to the instant-gratification of the internet, attention problems are becoming more prevalent in our society.  There’s little-to-no doubt that you suffer from self-diagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder.  

“Sherlock” is so addicting to you because Sherlock is the epitome of what you truly see yourself as: more intelligent than the average human, more of a social cockroach than butterfly, and easily bored with the world around you.  You feel an instant connection with a character who would probably detest you if you met in real life, seeing as he detests almost everybody.

Your baggy eyes tightened and your nostrils flared when I said that last bit – getting a bit defensive, are we?  And yet you remain silent.  While there are myriad ways you could insult me back, you have chosen not to.  This leads to our third deduction.

• You’ve remained silent throughout this interview, but your eyes have rolled several times and you’ve expelled air out your nose every time I insulted your meager intelligence.  There you go again.  I have no doubt that you are mocking my own intellect to yourself, but due to misguided politeness you have chosen to keep your mouth closed.

You have become so addicted to “Sherlock” because not only is he who you secretly see yourself as, but he commits the one act you would so dearly love to commit yourself – he is demeaning and rude with absolutely no filter.  Since you obviously see yourself as superior to most others around you, you no doubt question their intelligence with great frequency.  However, since a part of you still desires to be accepted in normal society, you refrain from insulting these acquaintances when they put their stupidity on display.  Watching “Sherlock” allows you to feel a certain catharsis in this respect.

• For the next deduction I’ll need your participation.  When I say the word “ship,” you . . . Right.  As I inferred.  No, don’t say anything, that self-conscious smile told me all I needed to know.  You know that “shipping” is a term used by fans to indicate which characters they’d love to see hook up on the show.  Or, in some cases, which characters’ hook-ups they create fan fiction about. 

You love that “Sherlock” caters so much to their fans.  With all the homosexual jokes about Sherlock and John, Sherlock’s “fan club” in season 3, and the fantasy kisses in season 3 (trying to be vague here to avoid spoilers), it’s obvious that they are aware of and answering the pleas of the fangirls.  And while you see through this ploy since you are oh-so-sharp, you love that they do it.  Why else would you be blushing right now?

• Which brings us to our final deduction.  Well, this one is more just common sense.  Regardless of your sexual orientation, you watch the show because Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are just adorable.  And Rupert Graves (Lestrade) is so much hotter than he gets credit for.

You see?

Fine.  You’ve caught on to my act.  Whatever.  Yes, I too am Sherlocked.

Now go away.  I have internets to read.

Veggie Quiche with a Hashbrown Crust

I’ve considered going vegan a few times.  For one thing, it’s probably a lot cheaper.  I mean, a quality block of cheese is easily twenty dollars.  For another, a lot of animals ARE treated in cruel and unusual ways just to make it easier to collect their products in bulk.  And I know that you can get your protein from plant sources, I’m just not ready to make the jump yet.  I just barely got myself to like spinach, and lentils are still kinda yuck.  Maybe one day I’ll go full vegan, but not yet.

That being said, this recipe is about the furthest from vegan you can get – a hashbrown-crusted quiche.

I’ve only made this once, and next time I’m going to do a couple things differently (browning the hashbrowns first, cooking it a little longer), but overall I’m pretty pleased with how this turned out.  It’s got veggies, it’s got protein, it’s filling – pretty much everything you could ask for in a breakfast.  The only thing it isn’t is photogenic.  At least not for me.  Maybe you could use your fancier camera and your home studio with its flashy lighting and make it look better.

There aren’t really any tricky things to making this, so I don’t see much point in writing an involved post.  I mean, you know how to stir things, right?  And hopefully cut up veggies?  And brown some hash?  (haha…)

Instead, I’m going to share my [really-not-at-all] pro tip with you: always pre-cut your veggies.

I’ve started doing this and it makes cooking so much easier.  I’ll get home from the store, throw Stormageddon in his chair with some finger foods, and get chopping.  It’s a bit of up-front work, but it makes cooking so much easier because instead of “if I want to eat [that] I’ll have to chop [this] first so why don’t I just eat a bowl of cereal” you can say, “hey, I want [that].  I’ll just throw in these pre-cut veggies!”  Instant meal.  And you eat more veggies.  And for an added added bonus, the inside of your fridge will look like it belongs to an actual grown-up, which is very satisfying, if misleading.

Enough of this gay banter (imagine that said in a John Cleese voice).  Now it’s time for something (short pause) completely different.

The Larch.

Not really.  The Recipe.  Sorry, for some reason I’m really feeling the “Flying Circus” vibes today.

Veggie Quiche with Hashbrown Crust

Frozen hashbrowns Cooking oil Salt Pepper

Butter Flour Eggs Cream cheese Milk Sugar Baking Powder

Mushrooms Spinach Broccoli Green onion Yellow onion Bell pepper Cheddar cheese

Pre-heat the oven to 400° F

Line the bottom of a 13x9 pan with frozen hashbrowns

Add 2 Tb oil, salt and pepper to taste

Mix it all around – that’s what it’s all about

Throw your hashbrown mix into the pre-heated oven for about 15 minutes

               

While the ‘browns are cooking, mix 6 Tb butter with ½ C flour, then set aside

In another bowl, mix 6 eggs, 8 oz cream cheese, 1 C milk, 1 tsp salt, 1 tsp sugar, and 1 tsp baking powder

Add the flour mix to the egg mix and stir until, well, mixed…

Add your pre-cut veggies!  I used 1 C mushrooms, 1 C spinach, 1 C broccoli, 1/8 C green onion, ¼ C yellow onion, ½ C Bell Pepper (orange), and 1 C cheddar cheese (cubed).  Mix well.

When your hashbrowns are ready, pull them out of the oven and pour the egg mix on top.

Bake at 400° F for 50 minutes uncovered.  You’ll know it’s done if it feels kind of spongey when you slice through it.

Enjoy!

*If I did this again I would probably fry up the hashbrowns before throwing them in the 13x9; that way they’re nice and crunchy

Book Review for 'Feed' by Mira Grant

So I have this zombie…obsession?  Infatuation?  Extreme interest?  Whatever it is.  I have it.

The sciencey side of me is just so interested in what could make zombies actually work.  I mean, every zombie fan has probably heard about the fungal infection commonly seen in ants that (to use layman’s terms) infects their brains so they climb to the highest point possible and then explodes out of their bodies and spreads the spores to the wind.  And that’s real life!!!!

I just get so excited when I learn about new diseases (or new sides to old diseases) that could possibly make zombies.  It’s incredibly fascinating to me and I’m getting excited just typing about this.

ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!

Okay.  I need to calm down.

Ooohhhhhhhmmmmmm.

I just finished this book.  Aaaaand…it’s awesome.  And zombies.  And politics.  And conspiracies.  And plot twists (but EXACTLY HOW I WOULD HAVE ENDED IT!!!).  Agh, calming down did not work.

So this book is called Feed, and it’s written by Mira Grant.  It’s the first book in a trilogy.  And tomorrow I am getting books two and three and then locking myself in my room and forcing The Man to take care of Stormageddon for the rest of the day because ermahgerd.

Bear in mind, I was not all this excited about the book for the first…250 pages.  I know, that’s a long time to keep reading a book that you’re not all that interested in, but I’d heard good things and I wanted to figure out why.  And it was worth it.  The last 320ish pages were awesome.

The story is narrated by a blogger.  Zombies have risen, blah-de-blah, the world is moving on with life while also dealing with the constant threat of the walking dead, and bloggers have become the most reliable news source.  So this blogger and her team (brother and friend) have been selected to follow a senator on his campaign trail to become the president of the United States.  Everything’s going great, the senator is an awesome guy, and then disaster hits after one of his rallies and lots of people “go grey” and lots of people die.  The team moves on with life, continues the trail, more disaster hits (this is where it starts to become interesting).  Then conspiracies are unveiled.  Then more disasters.  Then death and destruction and disaster and intrigue and ZOMBIES!!!!!!! 

Grant’s a pretty good writer.  She went out on shooting ranges, staged fight scenes, audited epidemiology courses, and more to write this book.  The brother/sister relationship is a little strange, but forgivable.  I mean, they’re each the only person the other has, so it’s kinda understandable why they’re so attached to each other.  I don’t know where I was going with that.

Anyway.  Grant writes convincing action scenes, almost Rowling-worthy emotional scenes (but not quite – this book didn’t make me cry), and it’s easy to get caught up in her writing (after all the character introductions and stuff are done).

If you like apocalyptic/political drama/zombie/question authority books, this is a good one.

I’m just hoping books two and three can jump right into the action since we’ll already know all the characters.

ZOMBIES!

Okay, I’m done.  I promise.

Stop Saying You Have "Straight Pride." Please.

I recognize that this is not a "What Was I Thinking Wednesday" post, but I had to get this off my chest.

I have friends on both sides of the gay marriage camp.  Some of them are super excited for this big step in human rights and some of them are convinced that it’s the gateway to pedophilic marriages.  I guess how I worded that statement kind of gives away how I feel, but not entirely.

In my post on homosexuality a while back I speculated as to why my religion is opposed to gay marriage.  The church released a statement soon after the Supreme Court ruling explaining the doctrine behind our stance.  This statement also indicated that our church’s stance has not and will not change – we do not support gay marriage.  I understand and agree with that stance.

So there’s that.

However, it’s one thing to not support an action, and it’s another to go out of your way to be hurtful and rude.  I have no problem with people saying “I support heterosexual marriage;” that’s fine.  It’s the “straight pride” movement I have issues with.

What does it even mean to have “straight pride?”  That you’re proud you’ve never considered suicide purely because of your biological impulses?  That you’re proud a large portion of the world doesn’t look at you and think, “oh, they’re just trying to get attention; they really could change if they wanted to.”  (Agh!  Punctuation dilemma!)

For the vast majority of gay individuals, “gay pride” does not mean “I’m different and I want you all to pay attention to me!”  It means, “I’ve struggled with feeling different, feeling guilty, feeling like I’ve sinned purely because of my thoughts, and now I’ve finally accepted that this is who I am and I’m still a good person.”

Gay individuals are not trying to ruin your life or your family, they are trying to find peace with themselves and find joy in their own lives.  Just like straight people.  Don’t mock them for recognizing who they are and being okay with it.  “Straight Pride” is just about as Christian as saying “I’m so proud I don’t have cerebral palsy!”  They’re born that way, they’re dealing with being “different,” and they don’t deserve that treatment.

So please, just stop it.

5 Kids’ Books You’ll Love Reading Over and Over…and Over

I really love reading.  When I had my son I was all excited to read my favorite books from growing up to him: The Little Prince, The BFG, A Series of Unfortunate Events, and so forth.  Sadly it soon became all too clear to me that babies have about a five second attention span and chapter books are out of the question – especially if their few pictures are totally black and white.

After many many unsuccessful attempts, I finally gave in and decided to start reading him the children’s books that I had inherited/been gifted.  This experience taught me that lots of children’s books are terrible.  I mean, they’re okay, I just hated reading them over and over and over again.  I seriously felt like Calvin’s dad and the dreaded Hamster Huey and the Big Kablooie.

Months later and with much searching and borrowing from the public library, I have started building a collection of books that are pretty fun – even the 50^th time around – and now I’m going to share my top 5 with you.

Fox in Socks/Oh Say Can You Say – Dr Suess

Look at that, I’ve already broken my own rules and listed an extra book.  I’m counting these two books as one because they’re pretty much the same.  You’ll get some great practice at enunciation and your kids will get some giggles from hearing your tongue stumble all over the place.  I don’t think these books ever get old because it’s like an ongoing competition with yourself, and once your kids are old enough to read they can join in!

                               

I Loathe You – David Slonim

This is a super cute book about a monster and its parent.  The monster parent loathes their little monster very much – “more than smelly feet and chicken pox.”  It goes into depth about the many horrible things the parent loathes, but none more so than it loathes its child.  It’s quite adorable.

Stephanie’s Ponytail – Robert Munsch

Stephanie is a spunky girl with her own sense of style who’s totally happy with who she is, no matter what people say.  Everyone at school copies her hairstyles (even the boys and the teachers), so she just keeps going weirder and weirder to see how far they’ll go.  The story is entertaining, the illustrations are great, and I love the message it sends of “just be you and don’t let others get you down.”

The Noisy Way to Bed – Ian Whybrow

I love reading this to my kid before bedtime.  It’s the story of a little boy who’s on his way to bed.  Along the way he has to walk through his family’s farm and the animals start tagging along.  The story has a nice calming rhythm and rhyme and is honestly perfect for right before bed.

Pajama Time – Sandra Boynton

If you have never heard any of Sandra Boynton’s music you probably won’t love this book as much as I love it.  See, this book has a song that goes with it, and it makes it five thousand times better.  My kid seriously squeals with excitement when we’re reading this book because I can’t help but sing the words and I get really into it.  If you’re going to get this book, learn the song first.  It’s wonderful.

                              

"Philadelphia Chickens" is the CD with 'Pajama Time' on it.  

If you love kids' songs, do yourself a favor and get this CD.

After writing this post I called up my mum for some more ideas and was given a list of about 700 books and authors, so I’m thinking I’m going to make this a recurring theme on Tuesdays for a while (e.g. “5 More Awesome Books to Read to Your Kids”). 

What are some books you enjoy reading over and over again to your kids?  I’d love some suggestions!

The Amazing Squooshi!

Stormageddon loves those squishy food packs.  If you’re a mother you probably know the things I’m talking about – they usually have applesauce, a fruit mix, a veggie mix, or some type of yogurt concoction inside.  I love them too: less mess, really easy to throw into the diaper bag, he can feed himself with it, win-win-win!  This post isn’t just for mothers though, because those squeezy things aren’t just for babies; I’ve totally seen adults chowing down on a squeezy applesauce pack.

So those squishy things.  Convenient, but quite expensive.  On a good day you’re paying about $1 for each container, which is pretty steep when you’re trying to save money.  I was thinking about it one day and I realized I could make the food pretty easily, and if I got something kinda like a frosting squeezer (wow, I have no idea what those are called) with a lid I’d be set!  And then I remembered that I wasn’t the only mother in the world and other penny-pinchers probably had the same idea so I wouldn’t have to resort to a frosting squeezer.

Enter The Squooshi.

Squooshis are exactly what I’ve been leading them up to be; they’re reusable squishy bags.  You twist on the cap, load up the bottom, seal the zip-lock, and you’re good to go!  I ended up ordering a set of 8 after reading all the reviews and checking out the competitors.  To make it even awesomer, they’re a small family company so if you buy their product you’re helping out some entrepreneurs!

What else makes them awesome, you ask?  Well.  They’re dishwasher safe.  They’re BPA free.  They’re easy to pour into (you just set it cap-down on the counter and pour).  They hold around 4 ounces, which is more than most of the one-use packs I’ve bought.  They freeze well.  And they come in awesome colors and patterns!

Six pack with a lion or a bluebird, or eight pack without?
Decisions are hard.

So for today’s Meatless Monday, I made some green smoothies for Stormageddon and threw them in the Squooshis.

I don’t really like green smoothies all that much, but I’m a better mother than I am an example and I like to make sure ‘Geddon’s getting the nutrients he needs.  Plus he’s too young to know that they’re gross.

For the veggie smoothie I blended 2 bananas (mine were frozen because I was out of fresh), 1 diced  zuchinni (or Italian Squash, as Sprouts pompously calls it), a handful of spinach, some water, and a splash of lemon juice (because the squeeze pack that I stole the ingredients from had it).

My fruit smoothie was even simpler: about 2 cups of frozen berry mix, a handful of spinach, and some water. 

And now I’ve got lots of veggie and fruit puree for the days when my little teether just doesn’t want to eat solid foods!  Thanks, Squooshi.  You’re awesome.

And no, I have no shame for blantantly advertising The Squooshi.  I think it’s an awesome product.  You should buy it.

Getting Your Children's Book Published

I keep telling myself I’m going to write a blog post and then I keep forgetting to.  Or I just tell myself that I don’t want to and that the conversation is over (sometimes I’m a bit of a jerk).  And…I kinda want to save my good blog post ideas.  For money.

See, a billion years ago I submitted an article to Babble.com, because I heard they’d pay you for articles.  And they liked it.  And they published it.  And then I learned the truth: they pay you for articles after you’ve established that your posts will be popular by writing several posts for free.  So I submitted another article, they liked it again, and I’m kinda working on becoming a freelance blogger maybe.

On top of that, the fact that they actually liked my work gave me the confidence boost I needed to submit the book I’ve been working on to a publisher, so I spent a lot of time editing, formatting, and writing my query letter.  Now that’s done though, so I can pick up where I left off with being good about blogging often.  Ha.  Haha…

In other words, I now have approximately 700 ideas for books that I’m researching, because writing is apparently one of the few things that makes me feel good about myself.

While writing this though, I decided what this post would be about: Getting Your Children’s Book Published.  I realize all too well that I am not an expert on this, but I really can’t think of anything else to write right now.

First, go to the library and borrow a ton of children’s books to read to your child.  Do this for many months.  Eventually realize that ¾ of the children’s books out there are really lame and you could probably do better.  So I guess the first step is [probably unwarranted] self-confidence.

You’ll need an idea.  Something that’s not too preachy, something that could have entertaining pictures to go along with it, something clever, whatever.  It’s your book.  Once you’ve got an idea, start writing.

And write and edit and write and edit and write and edit.  Make your friends read your book so much that they literally run away when they see you approaching.  If you have any friends that majored in English, make them cookies and cakes and a copy of your book to look over and edit.  Read your book to actual children.  Do they like it?  Maybe you’ve got something there, Ace.

As a side note, most publishers like to choose the illustrator.  Unless you’re really awesome at illustrating, it’s usually recommended that you just stick to the words.  If you DO illustrate your book you’re usually expected to make what’s called a “dummy;” essentially a home-made version of your book.  Make sure you don’t include your original drawings in the dummy (photocopies are fine).

Once you’ve edited so much that even you’re sick of your book but it’s all shiny and grammatically correct, it’s time to choose a publisher.  There are several resources out there, but the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) guide

 comes highly recommended – it lists tons of publishers, what kind of manuscripts they’re looking for, if they take new writers, if they take writers without agents, and more. 

Got your publisher?  Good.  Check their submission guidelines.  Most publishers look for a manuscript and a query letter (think a cover letter for your book), but it definitely varies.  Also, some publishers will want you to physically send in your book, some will want you to send it electronically.  If you don’t follow their rules, they won’t give your book a second glance. 

Now it’s time for formatting.  While it can vary publisher-to-publisher, there are some pretty common rules for both query letters and manuscripts.

Query Letters

• Keep it all on one page (single-spaced is fine)
• No fancy fonts
• 12 pt Arial or Times New Roman are often suggested
• Include your complete contact information at the top
• If possible, find the editor’s name to include in your greeting
• You’re trying to sell your book, your writing skill, and yourself, so edit this over and over again – it’s the first impression they’re going to get
• 1^st paragraph: usually an intro to your book (genre, word count, title)
• 2^nd paragraph: a summary of your book – the main character, their goals/desires, etc. (this is the most important part of the query – make it fun, show why your book is awesome, explain why it is unique)
• 3^rd paragraph: any specific background you have that makes you the perfect writer for this book, any publishing cred you have, any awards you have won, et cetera
• 4^th paragraph: why you chose this publisher (but don’t be too brown-nose-y)
• Of course you don’t have to follow this exact outline, but you should include most of this information in some form

Little Sister, I highly recommend you read this (and the one below) since I wrote them for you.
Everyone else: if you like poop, you're in luck.

Manuscript

• No fancy fonts/fancy capitalization
• 12 pt Arial or Times New Roman are often suggested
• Include your complete contact information and the word count at the top
• Do not write one line per page, and turn off your widow/orphan control (the thing that moves entire paragraphs to stay together on page breaks)
• Double space
• Center your title and write it in all capitals
• Create a header that starts on the second page that includes your last name, the title, and the page number
• No footers
• Avoid putting in illustration tips (i.e. “And here the illustrator should draw a magical rainbow unicorn shoving its horn through the Carebear”) – if your writing is good enough the illustrator should be able to picture what to draw

Your manuscript should look something like this.  Hopefully with less scatological references.

Once your book is all shiny and perfectly formatted and awesome, send it in!  Then sit back and chew your fingernails in anxiety for the next several months until they get back to you.  So much fun…

Book Review - Doug TenNapel's Ghostopolis

So I got this sci-fi book called The Dispossessed  for Book Reviews-day Tuesday, but…it kinda sucked, in my opinion.  There are very few books that I won’t power through and finish, but this is one of them.  I was all excited for it too – cool title, interesting premise (scientist trying to bring two nations that hate each other together), award-winning author – I just wasn’t all that interested in her writing style.  She’s a little too flowery and philosophical for me.  Does this mean I’m uncultured?  Probably.

I DO have a book for you though.  Just be aware, it IS a kids’ book.  Because I’m uncultured. 

It’s called Ghostopolis and it’s pretty much written for 12-year-old boys, which means I love it.  You’ve got this kid who is accidentally transported to the land of the dead, the “Supernatural Immigration Task Force” detective who transports as well to try and bring the boy home, a skeleton king, Benedict Arnold, an evil dictator who has incredible powers, a touching family relationship, and poop jokes.  I mean, come on.  Who wouldn’t love this?

Oh, and did I mention it’s a comic book?  Because it is.  And it’s awesome.

The author/illustrator is Doug TenNapel, and I currently have holds on every single book of his at our public library.  His work is colorful, artistic, and full of all the necessary comic book words (FUMM, VZZZT, THUMPA-DA THUMPA-DA, PLOP, FOOM, SPLAM and more).  I guess you’d really call it a graphic novel though, because it’s 267 pages.  Seriously though, quick read - The Man is a slow reader and he had it done in just over an hour.  He also gave it a positive review, in case you were wondering.

I think I love it so much because it’s inventive, it’s really well-drawn, it’s emotional at parts, and really I think most kids would enjoy it a ton.  And adults.  Because I’m an adult.  No, it’s not all that intellectually stimulating, but still…FUN.  Much more fun than The Dispossessed, at any rate.  Stormageddon even enjoys it!

A sample from the book (and The Man’s favorite line):

Bad Guy: I have one thing you don’t have that gives me the advantage.

Good Guy: Diarrhea?

And I really can’t top that so here ends my post.  Buy this book

.

A Poem I Wrote

I feel like every Mormon writes religious poems.  Is this a thing in other religions too?  I have no idea.  So, not to be outdone by my peers, I apparently wrote a religious poem too.  I say apparently because I had forgotten all about it.  I was going through some old notes from school and I found it.  Want to read it?  Well, if you keep reading you’re going to have to.

I had a voice inside of me, its timbre still and small.

It brought me peace and brought me joy and answered to my call.

One day I brought in other voices: doubt, fear, stress, and selfish choices.

My still small voice had place no more and it slowly left my mind.

Though my head was full of noise and my neurons ran unceasing

I could feel a gaping void with hollowness outreaching.

I missed my peaceful, still, small voice guiding each and every choice.

I kicked myself for bringing others and letting that one go.

I tried pushing out the other voices dwelling in my head;

I told them they did not belong, but still, not one voice fled.

I struggled, whined, called life unfair, and cried ‘til I was spent.

Then I realized my folly – a call was never sent.

I closed my eyes and bowed my head, opened my mouth and softly said,

“I need thee; please return.”

I felt the doubt and fear seep out and my soul filled with a voice

that loved me and smiled as it said, “you just needed to make the choice.”

Some of the stanzas are a bit awkward; maybe one day I’ll fix them but I’m too lazy right now.

So when I created the “schedule” for my blog postings, I told myself that Sunday would be for spiritual thoughts, and then I avoided writing on Sunday.  I don’t know what my hold-up is; if you’re not interested in spiritual thoughts you just won’t read them.  So…here I go.

In case it isn’t obvious, I wrote that poem about the spirit of Christ.  In the LDS religion we believe that every person is born with “the light of Christ” – the ability to feel His spirit from time to time, guiding us in our decisions and testifying to us when something is true.  When we are living according to the commandments of God, that voice is readily available to give us peace, guidance, comfort, and more.  If we let ourselves put other things before God, that voice will slowly leave us.

One of the incredible things about God is this though – He is always willing to give us another chance.  Regardless of the choices we’ve made, regardless of the unworthiness we feel, if we are truly desirous to follow Him again, we are welcomed with loving arms.  As a tangent, this does not mean it is fine to sin - repentance is still a requirement for any past sins – but it does mean that God loves us at all times and is always willing to take us back when we’re ready. 

It’s so easy to get caught up in everyday life and to ignore the Lord.  It’s easy to focus on work, school, kids, working out, relaxation, and all the business that comes with life, because that’s what’s right in front of us.  That’s what’s tangible; that’s what feels real.

I’d like to bear my testimony that God is also real.  If we make time to remember Him in our day-to-day lives I know that we can have fuller lives because of it.  Like many people, I struggle with depression, anxiety, and scores of other things – when I have asked for help, God has always been there for me.  Every single time.  There are two important things to remember though:

            You have to ask and believe that He can give you the comfort you need.

            You have to remember that His answers are not always physical blessings.  At times you’ll just have an idea come into your mind.  At times you’ll just feel His love for a moment.  Sometimes the help is even something we’re not super excited about (ever prayed for patience?  Haha…).  He will help if you ask for it though.

I know that God is real.  I know He has been the best support for me in times of need.  I know that we need to make a conscious choice to bring God into our lives, and that we will be blessed for that choice.  I encourage you to invite God into your life today.  Act in a manner which He would be proud of and record any blessings that come to you while you’re living for Him; I bet you’ll be surprised at how often God’s hand is shown in your life.

Runner Tip: Try Running from Zombies!

This post is for you, Cuz.

Let’s talk about zombies.  Zombie lore over the years has introduced us to many kinds: the slow-moving shamblers, the ones who can run okay but you’re faster, the ones who somehow got cheetah genes spliced in and their muscles can perform feats no human muscle can, those who eat brains, those who eat anything, those who die with a direct hit to the head, those who can be run over by a car and survive …Sooo many types of zombies, guys.  And so many ways to become a zombie!  Maybe it’s an airborne virus released as a form of bio-terrorism, maybe it’s a strain of rabies or mad cow, maybe it’s an attempt to cure muscular dystrophy, maybe it’s bath salts; whatevs.

I have a love/hate relationship with zombies.  See, I know it’s impossible and their bodies would deteriorate and blah-dee-blah, and I know it’s an illegitimate fear, but I’m still scared of them.  Other people have these fantasies of the zombie apocalypse where they’ll be able to shoot other humans in the head because, well, zombies, man!  I just get terrified when I think of anything wanting to consume my intestines while I’m still alive.  It’s just gotten worse since Stormageddon was born – how can I expect him to stay still and quiet if we have to sneak past a horde of zoms?  How am I going to run as fast as possible while carrying a squirming baby?  What is the proper age to teach a child to use a chainsaw in self-defense?  These are the important questions, people.

Despite all that, I still have this morbid fascination with zombies.  I enjoyed “Shaun of the Dead,” “Zombieland,” and the one episode I watched of “The Walking Dead” before I realized that if I continued watching it I would have nightmares literally every night (thanks, “Supernatural,” for teaching me that).  Comedy zombies I can take.  I just freak out later when I’m walking through the pitch-black house to comfort a screaming baby.

So when I saw the app for “Zombies, Run,” I just had to research it a bit.  Because I’m addicted.  I used to run in high school, and I wasn’t too bad - I could hold a 7 minute mile for several miles.  I haven’t run consistently since junior year of high school though, so now I’m much slower and breathing is harder and my boobs are bigger and my legs are heavier and the globe is warming up and since I had a baby maybe if I run too hard my pelvic floor will collapse and my uterus will spill all over the pavement and I just have many, many reasons not to run.  And just for the record I know that my uterus isn’t going to fall out of me anytime soon.  BUT IT CAN HAPPEN, PEOPLE.

Wow, I am on a roll with tangents.

Anyways.  This zombies app.  How it works is you get little clips of a storyline in between songs on your playlist.  You’re a runner for Abel Township – you have to get supplies.  While you’re getting supplies, distracting zombies, or going on missions you’re being talked to over your headset by the base (these are the storyline clips).  The base has cameras and GPS and all that jazz and so they warn you when zombies are coming and you have to run faster.  If you don’t pick up the pace, the zombies catch you and steal all your supplies (I’m not sure if they kill you or not; it seems like they’re just hungry for canned beans and batteries).  You can hear the zombies groaning behind you if you’re running too slow.

That’s if you’ve got the “chase” feature enabled, which requires you to be outside (no treadmill or elliptical or anything) and have your GPS on.  However, you can turn off chases and just listen to the story while doing your workout. 

When you’re done with your workout, you can help beef up Abel Township with the supplies you’ve collected – very very slightly like Age of Empires.  I don’t think you have to do this though; it can’t affect the story line at all because all the seasons (4 of them) are pre-made.

If you’re a cheapskate like me, they now have a free version, which is awesome.  You get four story missions up-front, and then you can acquire one more every week.  You have unlimited access to supply run missions though, which is cool.  The only buggy bit I ran across was that your playlist will shut off after two songs and you’re just stuck with dead silence (haha) between story lines.  You can avoid this by starting your playlist before opening up the zombies app.

So far I’ve only done a single run with the app.  You can set times that you’re willing to run (25+, 40+, 60+), so I did the shortest amount possible because I’m REALLY out of shape.  27 minutes later I was nearing the end of my run when a zombie came up behind me and I had to sprint a little bit to avoid her.  It was ridiculous how hard that was for me – I was wheezing and thinking over and over “when does it stop?!”  Seven hours later I escaped her (later I learned it had only been a single minute of pursuit).  You know what though?  I escaped.  I ran so fast I didn’t even hear her groaning.  That made me kinda proud.

All in all, it’s a pretty fun app.  You can use it offline, so it doesn’t use up your data, you get to listen to your own music, you get to follow along with the story of a zombie-ridden world, and you have a reason to push yourself.  I’m actually looking forward to future runs, which is ridiculous because I hate running (I figured out why, too.  It’s because I’m so much worse than I used to be.  If there’s something I’m not good at, I’d really rather not do it.  Which is a small-minded and stupid way to go about life).

If you’re trying to get into running (for the first time or the seventeenth time or whatever) and you’ve got even a mild interest in zombies I would try this app out.  And maybe even buy the upgrade to thank the developers for their excellent work (once you’ve mooched off the free one for a while, of course).

DIY Temporary Watercolor Tattoo

I still haven't graduated from Microsoft Paint yet - bear with me.

I’ve always had a thing for tattoos.  Not like, “man, he’s so hot ‘cuz of his tats,” more like, “I would totally get a tattoo in a heartbeat if I could decide on something I want stuck to my body for the rest of my life.”

When I was a little kid I wanted a dolphin, or something like that.  When I hit teenage years I wanted a tribal gecko (yeah…tribal) climbing up my ankle.  When I grew up a little bit more I wanted something to show off my nerd knowledge.  And now I’ve decided I want a diamond on my left ring finger.  So it’s probably a good idea I haven’t gotten tattooed yet since I keep changing my mind and style.

Happily, my lack of commitment hasn’t stopped me from drawing all over myself all the time; I’ve had so many tribal geckoes they could probably populate a small Pacific island.

So last night The Man and I were talking and the subject of tattoos came up and we started looking at all the different tattoos we wanted (he wants a wedding band – just a band).  And then and there I pulled out a needle and some ink and started poking myself.

Just kidding.

I pulled out a Sharpie and drew myself a cat, because I have progressed from a dolphin and gecko kind of girl to a cat lady.  Turns out there’s this method for long-term Sharpie tattoos:

                -Draw something on your body; let the Sharpie dry a bit.

                -Cover the drawing in baby powder and softly rub it in.

                -Gently brush off the majority of the baby powder.

                -Spray the area with hairspray; let it dry.

If you do this, apparently your tattoo is supposed to stay for about a month.  Mine was getting a bit spotty after a night, so I’m not sure how these people keep them on that long.  Maybe they never shower and they sleep with it wrapped up.

When I woke up this morning I decided I wasn’t ink’d enough, so I re-applied the cat tattoo and got to work on a diamond for my finger – this time with a ballpoint pen because we don’t have any fine-point Sharpies.  Drew it, let it dry a bit, and painted over it with clear nail polish.  Bam.

The Man: "I think you need to re-do your diamond.  It looks like a child drew it."

And theeeen I decided my cat could be even more exciting.  I originally got the idea for the cat’s shape from a watercolor tattoo (those things are awesome) so I decided I’d watercolor this kitty up.  Ready for my tutorial after that super-long and unnecessary introduction?

Temporary Watercolor Tattoo Tutorial!

First off, draw your black outline and go through the whole baby powder/hairspray ordeal.

Grab some colored markers – you want the kind that will run when wet – and decide what colors you want and how you want them arranged on your tattoo.  I drew a couple mock-ups on a piece of paper.

Get your tattoo area wet (wet paper towel works great – makes your skin wet but not dripping).

Color in your tattoo and let it air-dry for a little bit.

Throw some baby powder on that thing, and GENTLY rub it around.

Take a paper towel and GENTLY clear off most of the baby powder.

Spray the tattoo with hairspray; let it dry.

You now have a semi-cool looking (definitely not professional-grade) potentially-long-lasting watercolor tattoo.  I’ve been trying to smudge mine and it’s holding up super well so far.

If you’re thinking about getting a watercolor tattoo (or just any tattoo), maybe try out a temporary version for a while and see if you like it.  It’s better than being stuck with a piece of cake flying through a portal in your armpit for the rest of your life.