Why Mars and Venus Collide – John Gray, Ph.D.

Today we’re talking about one of John Gray’s works (he of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” fame).  It’s not bad.  Not outstanding, but definitely not the worst relationship book I’ve read. 

Hover and Click - you remember the drill
(Oh no!  Not the drill!)

Like everybody else and their mother, I’m in the process of writing a book.  In order to create the best possible product I’ve been reading a lot of self-help relationship books, and it’s ridiculous how boring some of them are.  I mean, they should be really really interesting; you’re trying to fix your relationship – you deserve an interesting book!  However, the majority that I’ve read say what they want to say in the first couple of chapters and then repeat it over and over, with the author using plenty of stories from their time as a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist/what have you.  The best part is, the reader has no way of knowing if those stories are true.  The author could just be making them up entirely; I have yet to find the interviews listed in the sources.  Dr. Gray does not commit the sin of potentially made-up stories to prove points, but a large portion of this book IS repetition.

I could probably sum up the entire book right now.  Ready?

Men: Your woman needs to be seen, heard and supported.  Don’t interrupt and try to fix her problems when she’s talking, just make “supportive noises” (no, seriously, that’s what it says).

Women: Your man needs time to de-stress after work.  Also, if you want him to do something, tell him in clear and specific terms – men love projects.

Both: Keep yourself happy and fulfilled.  It is your job to make sure you’re happy; it is your partner’s job to make sure you’re happier.  When arguing, make sure you validate what they’re saying and clarify so you don’t misinterpret what they’re saying.

Aaaand…that’s it.  He also promotes his other books/website/diet a lot.  Haha…his diet…It’s all about “oxygenating your cells” and “de-toxifying your cells so they can allow more good hormones in.”  Psuedo Science at its worst.  Want some diet advice?  Eat more veggies, especially the leafy greens.  Eat more fruit.  Eat more whole grains.  Drink more water.  Those four things should make up the majority of your diet.  Done.

In all honesty though, his message is a good one.  From the research I’ve done I’d say his advice is pretty darn sound, and he’s not annoying/pompous/boring, so his book is an easy read.  You’ll even get a few laughs out of the process!  I mean, not on purpose, but still.

See, somewhere in the middle of the book is where he got me laughing.  For one, he is convinced that ALL women have a running point system in their heads, and that women always give themselves points for every tiny thing they do for their husband, and their husbands earn points only for the big things they do.  It’s ridiculous.

Another source of entertainment is what he believes all women want to be happy.  Now, I understand that this is a book about gender differences, but his views are a little antiquated.  My favorite example is from his list “One Hundred Ways a Man Can Raise a Woman’s Oxytocin Levels:” Get a small TV or radio for the kitchen.  His “One Hundred Ways for a Woman to Create Oxytocin on Her Own” is pretty good too, with suggestions such as: cook a meal with a friend and clean up together, ask someone to carry something, participate in a PTA meeting, and learn and practice a new diet plan or cleansing program for better health (oh, you so sneaky Dr. Gray!).  There’s another suggestion in the book (I’m struggling to find what list it’s in) that men should buy their wives fancy guest soaps to make them happy.  Because that’s what would really excite me – The Man coming home with a new guest soap.

So if you’re looking for a relationship-help book with mostly sound advice and a few snigger-worthy moments, this is a good one to read.  It’s definitely not the worst you can do.